Finders Keepers: The Fifteen Second Rule

Quick!  What’s the national sport of China?

No, not ping pong.

Nope, not kung fu either.

It’s not even spitting, if that was going to be your next guess, fellow China-dwellers.

It’s saving money.  You heard me.

Chinese people are some of the thriftiest people I have ever met.  Frugal.  Some would even go so far as to call them cheap (yes, I might be one of those people, but don’t worry, I’m cheap too.  But Chinese people, man, they are CHEAP!).

Whether it is a new house, a car, a flat screen television, a cell phone, new clothes or shoes, a package of AA batteries at the corner store, or simply a bag of apples purchased from the roadside fruit vendor, people haggle and bargain for the lowest possible price on absolutely everything.  I’m pretty sure I’ve even seen bargaining for the cost of a meal in a restaurant!  No one wants to spend a single mao more than is necessary for anything.

"How much you wanna pay for stick of scorpions? Come on, I give you good price!"

This game of “Can you make the price lower?” is so prevalent, that it is not only accepted, but expected when purchasing almost any item.  If you don’t at least attempt to bargain, you’ll probably lose a bit of face in the eyes of the merchant.  Mind you, foreigners are at a distinct disadvantage, because often the first price you will be quoted is at least a few times higher than the first price a Chinese person would be asked to pay.  Chinese vendors across the country also know that most foreigners are not as comfortable or as savvy with the art of haggling as the locals, and they are more than happy to do their best to exploit that fact (hey, they’re trying to earn a living – who can blame them?).

This also means that most Chinese people are extremely proud of their bargaining abilities and are quite willing to share their successes (and rub in the fact that you got taken).  While in western countries, discussing the prices of possessions or salaries is somewhat taboo, here in China it is very common.   Taxi drivers will almost inevitably ask me how much I earn each month during our ten minute drive across the city.  And anytime I or another teacher (Chinese or foreign) wear something new to school or I bring an item home, we are met with another one of those quintessential Chinese-isms – “How much?”  Just the other day, a Chinese teacher I work with was strutting around the office in a new blouse-y top, asking everyone to guess how much it had cost her, and then squealing with delight every time she was able to tell them, “No! Only five yuan!!”

I'm pretty sure that even the lowest price for Chinese people is still way more than I would ever pay for this pimp-tastic bed.

The fact that I am a foreigner leads to most people being quite disappointed in the price I’ve paid, even when I’ve managed to haggle a bit and received what I think is a pretty good price.  My husband has, more times than I can count, wrinkled his nose a bit, shaken his head, and sighed, “Foreigner price.”  (Expat Tip:  Lie.  Subtract at least ten or twenty yuan from the price you really paid – you’ll likely still get the disappointed look, but it won’t be quite so bad!  Or, feign a poor memory and tell them that you can’t remember how much you paid.)

Anyway, this thrifty attitude doesn’t just apply to purchasing new items.  No, no, if a person can avoid buying something new in the first place, and instead have the old item repaired – well that’s even better!  There are repairmen (and women) for everything, often found on street corners, roaming the residential zones, or on the other end of one of the phone numbers stuck or painted on the walls of the building stairwells.

This in itself is not that different from Canada or America – my parents would just as soon have something repaired rather than purchase a new item every time something breaks, especially when it comes to major purchases like appliances.  However, Chinese people seem to take this to a whole new level, and well past my tolerance limit (I know, it’s crazy that I don’t have the patience to fix something that has just broken for the seventh time in a month, right?!).  Many seem quite content to fix old things over and over and over again, while after a couple of attempts at repairs, I simply feel it is smarter in the long run to invest in a newer, better quality item.

This scooter still ran, despite looking like a gust of wind might cause it to disintegrate!

Not only will a lot of people here fix old items rather than buy new ones, but they will save, or even scavenge for, things that may be fixable or come in handy for fixing something in the future.  In addition to the elderly folks riding around on their tricycles and checking the garbage bins for recyclable materials, there are also those who view the trash bins as potential second hand stores.  Any desk lamps, old kitchen utensils, or other random, possibly useful items will be snatched up and taken home to be examined.  I don’t feel bad about throwing away some of what I view as “junk”, nor do I seek out a place to donate my old clothes; I simply put them in clean bags and set them out beside the trash cans, knowing that someone will find them and give them a good second home.

(As an aside, this scavenging seems to be some sort of competitive sport for some.  I can tell you about one instance when I was cleaning my apartment and packing to return to Canada in 2005.  Wanting to sleep on the plane as much as possible, I waited until the night before I left home to do all this sorting, cleaning, and packing.  At approximately 3:30am, I hauled a few armfuls of bags down to the trash and resumed packing; when I looked out at 5:00am, the bags were still there, but the contents had been thoroughly picked over!)

Now, please don’t think I am condemning the Chinese people for any of this – on the contrary, I think it’s very practical of them.  When you consider that China has only become a modern, urban, economic superpower in the last twenty or thirty years, and that for most of its (long!) history, most of China’s people lived poor, rural lifestyles, you’ll come to realize that these behaviours were not only necessary then, but also are very smart to have today.  Many Chinese today still have low incomes, and with increasing inflation, being thrifty is the only way to save money to purchase a house or pay for their children’s education.

On occasion though, I’ve seen this “finders keepers” attitude taken to new and amusing levels.  Some people here are always on the lookout, it seems, for an opportunity and jump at the chance to seize one.

A few days ago, a number of colleagues and I were in our school van, being driven out to a remote part of the city.  Our little city is like any other in China at this time, and is ever-expanding, so the road was under construction and very rough.  We bumped along with the cargo trucks for a long time, heading out to our destination.  We were nearly there, when the driver spotted a large trench across the road that we would have to drive through.  He crept along as best he could, but as we were pulling out of it, we all heard a loud scrape from the back end of the van, and lots of rattling as he started pulling away again.

Smartly, the driver pulled over immediately and, along with one of my bosses, got out to investigate.  The driver hopped back in after about five seconds, but then after a quick look, realizing that our boss was not in the van, he jumped back out again.

Less than ten seconds later, we discovered not only where our boss had disappeared to, but also what damage had been done to the van.  The side door opened and in they tossed…the spare tire.

But it was what our boss said next that amazed me the most.  After she got back in the passenger seat she informed us that, in the fifteen seconds or so since the van stopped, “Someone tried to steal our spare tire.”

Maybe they thought the tire was a baby?!

Apparently, even in the middle of a construction zone lined with cargo trucks in almost the middle of nowhere, you need to keep a close eye on all your valuables…including spare tires.

A Comprehensive Guide to Horn Honking in China

First this week, I would like to thank MaryAnne over at Wok With Me, Baby for awarding me a Liebster Blog Award.  It either has something to do with recognizing other awesome, small blogs, or something to do with being a hipster.  If it’s the former, well thank you, MaryAnne, for thinking I’m awesome.  If it’s the latter, then I suppose all my readers can rejoice in the fact that, since this blog is fairly small at this point, they can state with certainty that they were reading my blog “before it was cool”.  Congrats.

Anyway, I’m supposed to thank MaryAnne and link to her (check), and then pass on the award to five other similarly awesome small (200 followers or less) blogs (or those whose authors I think dress in skinny jeans and plaid flannel shirts, listen to obscure indie bands, and talk about how other people just wouldn’t ‘get’ their taste).  So here we go:

Jo at Life Behind the Wall lives in China and shares her experiences as an African-American woman living here and married to a Chinese man.  I love her honesty.

Sara at Living a Dream in China is a Finnish girl who has lost her heart to the Middle Kingdom (and a boy!).  She’s studying Mandarin and even posts in Chinese once a week or so.

Christine at Shanghai Shiok! is a foreign-born Chinese woman trying to make her way in life and love in, you guessed it, Shanghai.

Michelle at My Beijing Survival Diary just got engaged to her Chinese fellow, and is trying to make heads or tails of life in Beijing.

Alex at Married to China is my little sister (we’re both Canadian girls, both engaged or married to Chinese guys – heck, we even dress alike!).

And now, onto the post for today.  As you probably couldn’t tell from my recent posts on style and cooking turkey, I’m all about trying to help people understand and assimilate to life in China.  If you found those articles useful, then I’m about to blow your mind with helpfulness in today’s post.

One of the first things a newcomer to China will probably notice (at least if you are coming from a western country) is the cacophony that is everyday street traffic here in the Middle Kingdom.  For me, coming from the prairies of Canada, where the main function of a horn in a motor vehicle is to scare wildlife off the highway or cats out of the fan belt during the cold winters, it certainly took some time to adjust to the ever-present din.

At first, it is easy to dismiss it all as simply “noise”.  In actuality, however, horn-honking is a language all its own in China, and understanding it can be crucial to your personal safety.  As a result, I’ve put together this handy-dandy guide to all things vehicular-noise-related, though please bear in mind that different regions of China may have different horn ‘dialects’, so to speak, so it’s best to consult a local for clarification (for example, in some regions, flashing one’s lights is an acceptable alternative to honking one’s horn in certain situations).  If you plan to drive, cycle, or walk across the street (or heck, even walk on a sidewalk) in China, this guide could save your life.

I can't post pictures of sounds. Sad face.

First of all, and most importantly, you need to be aware that everyone honks, as often as possible – everyone on wheels, that is.  Whether it be a pedal bike, electric bike, what passes for a ‘motorcycle’ here, car, or bus – if it transports people, it’ll be honking at you.  Learning to distinguish the calls of these different modes of transport without turning one’s head can help you to prepare yourself (and save valuable seconds) to smoothly sidestep a couple of feet, in the case of a bicycle approaching, or to desperately sprint towards, and press yourself up against, the nearest wall or fence, in the event it is an overloaded transport truck hurtling towards you through red lights in the middle of the city during daylight hours when such trucks are supposedly banned…ahem, where was I?

Right, honking.

The following general rule can be applied:  the lower the honk, the more important the owner/driver perceives himself to be.  It may or may not be true in reality, but as with a woman’s possession of a “designer” handbag, it truly is the perception that counts.  If you decide to purchase a mode of transportation in China, before you ever take to the roads to drive it, be sure to become familiar with the level of the honk and adjust your driving style accordingly.

People riding bicycles, with their cheery sounding rotary phone-like ring, are the least pretentious – perhaps because they know they are only a tiny step up the transportation evolutionary scale than you, the lowly pedestrian, and are only slightly less likely to be creamed by a larger vehicle.  Next are the folks with electric bicycles and their identifying beeps.  They are followed by those driving small compact cars with beeps resembling Roadrunner from the Bugs Bunny cartoons.  These are then followed by most of the rest of the car population.  Motorcycles, with their echoing, sing-song-y honk, city buses and large charter buses with their deafening and heart-stopping air horns, and black luxury sedans with darkly tinted windows round out this hierarchy of horns.

It is important to note that this hierarchy in no way implies any sort of belief in the “right of way” or of respect for size.  It is just as common for a cyclist riding in a blind spot to ring his bell as a warning to a large city bus trying to turn a corner as it is for the reverse (and in fact, usually both situations are occurring simultaneously).

It is also not enough to simply have a horn and use it; you must utilize its full potential by learning the proper honk for each situation.  As a pedestrian, it is key to learn which honks apply to you and which you can filter out as extraneous white noise.

I don't know where on the honk hierarchy these cars fall, but I'm guessing somewhere near the top.

If the method of transport is a bicycle or electric bike, the following mathematical reasoning should be applied:  the time between beeps is inversely proportional to the distance between the bike and the object in its path.  The upper limit of this law occurs when the distance is approximately less than one meter, meaning that the rings or beeps meld into one continuous ring or beep at this distance.

If the auto in question is a motorcycle (I hesitate to refer to them as this, since so many are little more than so-called “crotch rockets”), the honks will most often be heard after the vehicle has already passed.  In adherence with the laws of physics, the speed of sound is slower than the speed of light – that, and the young teenaged driver will almost always drive at such a high rate of speed as to have no hope of his reflexes being quick enough to honk his horn before swerving past you.

For cars and other four-wheeled automobiles, there are nearly innumerable combinations of honks to be used.

One short beep – This is known as the “greeting” honk.  It is most often used when the distance between the car and the object blocking its path is greater than 500m.  This signals that the driver has acknowledged an object in his field of vision (but not necessarily in his intended path).

A single set of two short beeps – Commonly known as the “first warning,” it says, “My car is moving, or soon-to-be moving, and I intend to keep on this trajectory and at this speed, so you’d better adjust your course accordingly.”  It is common to hear this directed to stopped pedestrians or cyclists who are waiting to cross the street the car is currently traveling along (although is it perhaps one of the most well-used honks on the list – the possibilities are endless).

Two short and one long beep – Vehicles driving along sidewalks are the most likely to use this combination in order to warn pedestrians that they are not safe anywhere.

Multiple sets of two short beeps – Much like the increased persistence of bicycle rings, this is best utilized when the car is immediately behind the obstacle, but still moving.  This is the horn equivalent of an impatient clearing of the throat or sigh.

Combinations of short and long beeps – These are most commonly heard during traffic jams, or other situations where it is generally evident that the cars (or other objects) are unable to move.  It is thought by some that the displacement of the air particles caused by this beeping may, if enough honks are collectively sounded together in harmony, push the objects out of the way, allowing for a clear path, although absolutely no scientific evidence supports this belief.

One single, prolonged beep – reserved for use only late at night or early in the morning, inside residential zones, when one finds themselves waiting behind another, unoccupied vehicle.  Its intention is to wake up every person living in said residential zone so that the owner of the offending car can stumble out to move it.

Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous drivers on the road are not the unlicensed, the drunk, or the distracted, but are in fact those who do not utilize their horns at all.  Anyone who has ever been grazed by a bicycle or car which passed from behind as if out of thin air can attest to the danger of keeping silent on the roads.  Thus, it is not simply recommended, but necessary, to sound one’s horn as often as possible.

Finally, perhaps the most important piece of information to take away from this article is as follows:  If you have a horn, and you are the first to sound it, you are invincible.  Do not, under any circumstances, yield or alter your path to anyone else, regardless of size, speed, or right-of-way.  Horns trump everything, and if you back down after sounding your horn, you will simply confuse the other driver.

Happy honking!

Why Can’t We Be Friends?

I’ve written before about what it is like to be a foreigner here in small-town China.  It’s a weird cross between being completely anonymous (not many people can just saunter up to me, eavesdrop on my conversation, and then have a chat with me) and being a celebrity (complete with staring, cell phone paparazzi, and cat calls).

Let's have the foreigner pose for photos with our children so we can show our friends later that we 'know' a foreigner!

I’ve made peace with the fact that I will always and forever stick out here.  I’m well-aware that I have no hope of ever passing as a Chinese person (I think I’ve mentioned before that the only time I’ve ever been mistaken for one was when it was dusk, I was wearing a hat and the hood of my sweater pulled up, and was climbing into the back of a taxi – apparently those are the conditions for me appearing Asian).  Sure, I wish I could go about my business more anonymously, I wish I could carry my bags home from the supermarket without my neighbours noting exactly what I bought and discussing it as they sit outside in the evenings, but this is just the way it is.  I don’t understand what is so fascinating about me (especially since my life is so incredibly dull most of the time), but people here are curious about foreigners (it’s like a real-life version of “Celebrities – They’re Just Like Us!”) and as long as they are somewhat respectful about it, I can just ignore it and get on with my life.

Foreigners - They're Just Like Us! They get haircuts!!

One thing I do lament as one of a small number of foreigners here in this city, and with my Mandarin being so limited, is that it can be difficult to meet people and make friends.  Sure, there are the people I work with, and most of them are nice enough, but I don’t always want to hang out with work people.  Through my husband, I have met some very nice people who I consider to be my friends as well as his, and I am very grateful that they treat me as my husband’s wife first, a friend second, and as a foreigner much later on the list.  But meeting people on my own and becoming friends with them can prove difficult.

Some of my husband's good friends who treat me like one too.

You see, that’s the thing about being a visible foreigner – for most people here, that is my first, and often only, identifying characteristic.  People are so star-struck by the fact that I am a foreigner that I don’t think they bother to remember that there may be more to me than that (or maybe they figure they already know everything about me, and every other foreigner on the planet, from watching American movies).  Add to that the fact that many don’t speak much English (and I speak dreadful Mandarin) and one ends up with a couple of big obstacles to friendship.

But there’s something else.  The other problem is that making friends in China seems to be a totally different ball game than making friends in Canada.  [This may end up coming off a little rant-y, and I suppose it is somewhat, but it is also something I am truly amused/baffled about.]

First of all, people here tend to jump on the friendship bandwagon far sooner than a western person would.  It’s often one of the first phrases out of their mouths when they meet me – “Hi, my name is Bob.  Nice to meet you.  I hope we can be good friends.”

Now hang on just a minute there, Bob.  You just walked up and started talking to me.  We’ve known each other for all of a minute and the only thing I know about you is your name.  Do you think that’s enough to base a friendship on?  Really?  Don’t you think we should at least chat a bit more to find out a few more things about each other (like which side of the stinky tofu debate you fall on, or whether or not you are an axe murderer) before we run off getting a set of those break-apart ‘Best Friends’ necklaces?

People here get pretty excited by the prospect of having a foreigner as a ‘friend’ – regardless of the fact that they have only met this person once (details).  It’s a status boost for them, something they can brag about to their other friends, like having a designer handbag or expensive car.  Are foreigners the new luxury goods?

But the biggest difference?  The one that makes me the most uncomfortable?  Making friends in China seems to be all about what the other person can offer you – it’s more like networking than good old, honest, because-we-have-things-in-common-and-get-along-well friendship (at least that’s what it seems like for me, probably because I am a foreigner).

People I meet always suggest we should be friends – with a caveat.  “Let’s be friends and you can teach me English” (being a foreigner means that everyone always assumes you are an English teacher, which in my case is true, but isn’t true for many).  I’m not sure what response they are expecting when they say that.

What I want to say is, “Yes, because that’s just what I would like to do after a long day of teaching English at work – to meet up with you and do my job all over again…for free…NOT.”

Honestly people, let’s get real here for a second.  How would they like it if I discovered they were a cook at a restaurant and I said, “Let’s be friends and you can come and make me dinner every night”?  Or that they worked in construction – “Let’s be friends and you can build me a house”?  Or a doctor – “Let’s be friends and you can perform a little operation on me that I’ve been putting off”?

Certainly, getting things done in China is all about who you know – making connections with people who can help you later (getting lower prices on goods, processing paperwork faster).  But to mix the idea of friendship up with all this is a bit confusing and makes it all seem very insincere.

Are your friends really friends, or are they simply acquaintances who might be able to do something for you when you need it?  Is there such a thing as a genuine friendship here in China?

I Grossed Out a Chinese Person!

…Sort of.

Note:  Some people might find this post a bit icky.  If you have problems with quirky food or a certain degree of language, may I suggest you stop reading now.

There is an old saying about Chinese people, that they will “eat anything with legs, except a table.”  And man, is that true.  For those of us soft westerners who haven’t had to suffer through famines and poverty for a very long time, Chinese cuisine can shock with the extent to which every part of an animal is used somehow (though, to be fair, this is probably a better practice than throwing things away, and makes sense when you consider that the nation is still relatively young in its development and its people’s wealth).  Duck cheeks at a Beijing roast duck dinner, chicken heads and feet bobbing in the soup, pig’s feet piled up on the streetside meat counter, spiders and scorpions still wriggling on skewers at the night markets, jellied brain dishes served at weddings – you name it, they probably eat it…and love it!

Doesn't it just make your mouth water?!

Which makes it pretty impressive that I was able to make my husband scrunch up his nose in disgust at the idea of eating something (is there a special China merit badge for this?)!

A little while ago, my husband and I sat at home talking in the evening, and one of us brought up the fact that Steven Harper, the Prime Minister of Canada, had recently visited China on an official trip.  The regular topics had been discussed between the two leaders – trade, the value of the yuan, etc.  But another key topic for Harper’s stop in Beijing had been to attend the opening of a new Canadian tourism office.  One of the Canadian “cultural festivals” that was promoted was the Calgary Stampede – a big exhibition held in that city every summer and featuring chuckwagon races and a rodeo.

This made my husband think of me and some of the things I had told him about where I grew up and the lifestyles of people in my hometown.

Ah, the prairies - look at that wide open space!

I’m from western Canada, and grew up on a grain farm.  Most  of the people in the area are farmers and/or cattle ranchers.  Yes, that’s right, I grew up surrounded by cowboys!  I’d told him about rodeos and brandings (full disclosure:  I’ve actually never been to a branding in my life…bad farm girl!) and what goes on at these events.

I’m not sure what was triggered in his brain, but the mention of the Calgary Stampede and cowboys caused my husband to remember that special delicacy served up at cattle brandings that I had told him about – we call them “prairie oysters” (if you’re not familiar, a branding is held at each ranch in the later spring, and it is when the young calves are roped, burned [with a hot iron] with that ranch’s identifying brand, have tags placed in their ears, may be given some medicine, and sometimes, are castrated.  The little calf testicles are then cooked up and eaten by those in attendance – these are the prairie oysters and no, I’ve never had one).

More than anything, I was surprised that he remembered this information (but I guess I shouldn’t be – I mean, Chinese and crazy food go together like peanut butter and jelly, right?!).

Being my husband, you should know by now that I wouldn’t be writing this if he simply remembered the concept of prairie oysters and left it at that.  Oh no.

It was at this point that he informed me that when he has the chance to visit Canada and my hometown, he wants to attend a branding.  He plans to more or less ‘call out’ the cowboys there by saying (and I quote), “Come on!  I’m Chinese and we eat everything!  Bring me the balls!!”

He kept on this way for a bit, and when I finally got my laughter under control again, I asked him if he would really be willing to eat them.  Of course, he said firmly, as if he already felt he had something to prove to these cowboys.

Look out, cowboys, there's a new sheriff in town!

“Really?” I asked.  “Because you already get upset enough when we talk about possibly having a dog in the future and I insist that if we do, I want to get it fixed.”

It was at this point that I saw a glimmer of confusion in his eyes.  He seemed to not be making the connection.  After a few more questions, and him insisting he had already eaten this part of an animal before and making the gesture as to where they came from, I realized that he thought we were talking about kidneys.

I then had to explain to my husband that no, prairie oysters are not kidneys at all.  They really, truly are the castrated testicles of the calves.

Suddenly, his nose wrinkled up and he made a disgusted sound.  “That’s terrible!” he exclaimed.  “Even Chinese people won’t eat that part of an animal.  Ewwww!  What is wrong with them?”

Laughing again, I inquired as to why he thought Chinese people would choose to eat intestines and brains and bugs and feet, but would draw the line at testicles.  “Because they are so close to everything else ‘down there’ and they would taste like pee!” he exclaimed.  “There might even be pee in them!!”

Turkey feet and hearts are fair game, but don't even suggest testicles!

I did feel the need to point out that Chinese people are willing to eat chicken and pig feet, and that these animals have been trotting around in all kinds of waste, so they were just a wee bit dirty as well.  “Yeah,” he said.  “But they clean them before we eat them.”

At the end of it all though, curiosity got the best of my husband, as a look of wonderment spread across his face and he murmured, “Just how do they cook them?  Are they fried?  BBQ’d?”

So there you have it – that is where an average Chinese person draws the line between edible and non-edible animal parts.  And now you know, if you ever want to disgust a Chinese person, you can apparently simply suggest cooking up a meal of testicles.  好吃!

A Small-Town Hebei Style Guide

In honour of the Fall and Winter 2012 collections being shown at Fashion Weeks in New York, London, Paris and Milan this time of year, I present to you my guide for all the big trends among young Chinese women in small-town Hebei (because I know that’s totally the look you’re itching to try!).  From clothing to accessories to the trendiest hair colour, I’ve got you covered.  Read on!

Oversized shirts:   Embellishment is key – Chinglish sayings, cartoon characters, beads, sequins, feathers, buttons, and lace are all popular, preferably all of the above on a single shirt.  Don’t think of these as statement pieces; think of them as basics or neutrals.  The old adage, “The more the merrier” applies here too – the more embellished the shirt, the more versatile it will be as a piece in your closet, because some part of it will match any outfit you put together!

Just a few examples of shirts that are on trend right now.

Don't Fret My Pet - Steve Urkel makes gains in China

"More Kick Than Licking" Fat Birds Armpit

Skinny jeans, patterned tights and harem (MC Hammer) pants:  All show no signs of slowing in popularity.  Avoid solids at all costs – patterns and whiskering on denim are not just encouraged, but necessary .  And whatever you do, do not coordinate the colours or patterns with the other items in your outfit.  This is a major fashion ‘don’t.’

A fantastic example of pattern mis-matching: a tiger jacket over a floral lace top, with another floral pattern in the leggings, zebra shoes, and a patterened bag. Someone call Vogue!

Uggs:  More specifically, imitation Uggs.  These not only keep your feet warm during hours spent in unheated buildings in the winter, but also help to make your legs appear slimmer by increasing the size of your feet.  But, if Uggs aren’t your style, then the only acceptable option is…

Heels:  whether they be boots with heels, sneakers with heels, bling-y sandals with heels, flip flops with heels…it doesn’t matter, as long as they have heels.  Want to be a true member of the fashion elite?  A pair of Uggs with heels will solidify your fashionista status.

Embellishment on your heels is a fashion 'do'.

Nylons:  But not just any old pair of pantyhose will do.  Nude-colour, ankle-high nylons with the bands showing should be a staple in your wardrobe.  Everyone from young trendsetters to veteran style stars is rocking these this (and every) season, with any and every outfit imaginable – dresses, shorts, and pants can all be taken to the next level of fashion with these peeking out.

Designer handbags:  To be truly on point, a big bag is a must – roughly half your body size is best.  The designer label is also key, but knock-offs are obviously just as acceptable – the point is for it to appear as though you have a designer bag, not for you to actually have one.  The devil is in the details; your bag should always appear to be nearly empty (to imply that you paid so much for your designer bag that you can’t afford anything else), so be sure to carry very little in it – fashion over function, of course!  Tip:  If you have items that you absolutely must carry with you, it is best to re-use a shopping bag for this purpose.

A Spoony bag is SO last season! Your new bag needs to be designer label and much bigger.

Plastic glasses with no lenses:  Wear them large to best flatter your face by making it appear tiny.  These will frame the eyes and give the impression of intelligence.  Best if a knock-off of famous brands like LV, Gucci, or Chanel.  Affordable, so stock up in a pair in every colour.

Hair:  Simple updos , such as ponytails or buns, are the best crowns for your new and improved look.   Colours trending these days obviously skew towards black or shades of brown, but preferably with the ends coloured a rich shade of burnt orange, having grown out after a failed attempt at going blonde.  This is known as ombre hair, with Chinese characteristics.  Slide in multiple rhinestone hair clips to draw attention.

And finally, the pièce de résistance, the accessory that will truly complete your “young, small-town Chinese woman” look and cement your place as fashion royalty…an iPhone with a rabbit ear cover.

Now, log into QQ messenger on your phone, turn the message alert volume up as high as possible, grab your friends’ hands, and head out on the town!

It’s Been a Long Week

DISCLAIMER:  This story is NOT funny in any way; it’s not intended to be.  This is the account of my dealings with the Canadian embassy (Consular office) in Beijing as I attempted to renew my passport.  I decided to post this instead of a light-hearted tale this week for two reasons:  first, I frankly don’t feel like writing anything amusing at this point in time, and second, I wanted to let others know of the difficulties I encountered so that maybe I can save someone else from having to go through what I am dealing with.  I’ve tried to be as objective as I can during the actual account, but it is certainly difficult to keep my emotions out of it when it is such a thoroughly frustrating situation.

Here it is…

I applied to renew my passport at the Canadian embassy in Beijing on January 26, 2012. I had to sign a form stating that I needed to retain my old passport, because the Chinese government implemented ID-linked train tickets over Chinese New Year, and I may have had to show my passport in order to board the train home later that day. I also wanted to avoid having to make another trip to Beijing to pick up my new passport, so arranged for them to send the new passport to me by courier & paid the fee for that (this is a service they offer, so it is nothing special or unusual).  I didn’t have my current mailing address in Chinese (they would need this to forward my new passport) at that time, so was asked to email it to them as soon as possible.  I was given a business card showing the address of the Canadian embassy in Chinese characters (I would need this to mail my old passport to them).

When I arrived home the evening of January 26, 2012, I immediately had my current mailing address translated and emailed it to them.  I received confirmation that they received this address via email on January 27, 2012.

I received a call from the embassy on February 6, 2012, saying that my new passport had arrived, and that I needed to send them my old passport and once they received it and cut it to cancel it, they would send out my new passport. The following day, February 7, 2012, I had someone at the school I work at help me to do this (since the address form had to be written in Chinese and I cannot read or write Chinese characters) using the business card the embassy gave me.

By February 16, 2012, I had not received my new passport and my workplace was starting to get concerned about the lack of time to process my work and residency permit renewal.

That day, February 16, 2012, I called the embassy in the morning to ask when they had sent the new passport out. They claimed not to have received the old one yet. Using the bill and tracking number, a worker from my school’s office talked to the courier company and found out that they claimed it was delivered on February 9, 2012 – this meant it had been at the embassy for a week. I made another call to the embassy later that morning (at approximately 11:30, but they close for lunch at 11:00) and had to leave a message asking them to return my call.  At approximately 2:30 the same afternoon, they called me and I told them the information from the courier company.  Their response was to ask if I had addressed the package properly (I cannot read or write Chinese, so a worker from the school I work at did this, following the address on the business card that the embassy provided).  They then requested the tracking number so they could check it themselves (the impression I got was that they did not believe me).  Just before ending the call, I requested that the embassy call me immediately if/when they located my passport.  I was told they would do this.  I did not receive any call from them that afternoon.

The morning of February 17, 2012, I made two calls to the passport office at the embassy – one at approximately 9:30am and one at approximately 10:55am.  Both times there was no answer and I was required to leave a message asking the office to return my call.

Some Chinese friends who are trying to help me were in touch with the courier company to try to get more details.  They found out that no one was required to sign for the parcel, but that the courier company insists it was delivered.  Somehow, they also found information that seemed to indicate it was sent to the “Immigration” section of the embassy, rather than the “Consular” section.

At just after 2:00pm on February 17, 2012, I finally received a call from the embassy in Beijing, after leaving a third message approximately 10 minutes prior (which they hadn’t listened to, the woman informed me; they were finally responding to my first message, left at approximately 9:30am).  When I asked her name, she gave me her English name (I could tell from her pronunciation that she was Chinese), but refused to give her family name, saying it was not required and that there was only one person by that name working in the office.

She informed me that the worker from my school had called the office the day before and that they discovered she had not included “Consular Section” on the address label (which she informed me very curtly that she had specifically instructed me to do), so it was not delivered there.  She did not know where my passport currently was, but claimed that a worker was looking for it.  She did not know how long this would take, as “the embassy is very large”.

I passed along the information about it perhaps being delivered to the “Immigration” section and was again curtly informed that if I did not write “Consular Section” on the address label then I couldn’t expect it to be delivered there.

After nearly 20 minutes of inquiring about a timeline and being repeatedly informed that I should have written “Consular Section” on the address label, I asked to be informed of what the next step would be in the event that they cannot find my passport (after all, it had already been at the embassy for over a week and still had not been taken to the proper section).  I was told that another employee would contact me shortly to discuss this.

At approximately 2:40pm, I received another call from the same embassy employee.  She informed me that she had spoken to her colleague and they had decided that this colleague should not call me to discuss my options in the event that my passport is never located, because I would probably feel confused and more frustrated.  She claimed that they had now sent more than one person to the various sections to try to locate my passport (“even though we normally only have one person to do this job,” I was told in a sharp voice).  She claimed that they would contact me by the end of the workday to update me (I asked, and their workday ends at 4:30pm).

At 3:40pm on February 17, 2012, the embassy employee called again.  She claimed that they located my passport in “Immigration” at the embassy, but because that office was closed, they were unable to retrieve it until Monday February 20, 2012, at the earliest.  She claimed that their postman would be going to retrieve it on Monday and that someone would contact me when they had it in the “Consular” office.  When I asked how long the processing time would be between the time they received it and the time all the documents (old and new passports, application, birth certificate, etc.) would be ready to pick up, she said there would be no delay and that I could pick it up anytime their office is open (Monday to Friday between 8:30 and 11:00am).

For those of you unfamiliar with how things work here, a summary of the difficult situation I am in:  In order to remain in this country legally, I need to have valid work papers and a residency permit.  I cannot get these without having my yearly medical check done.  I cannot have this check done (nor can my employers even start the paperwork for the permits) until I have my new passport. The embassy will not give me my new passport until they receive and cancel my old passport.

I also cannot declare my passport lost or stolen; I’ve considered this and looked up the process. In order to do this, I have to file a report with my local police and obtain a bilingual police report (something that could take substantial time in the small city I live in). I then have to report it to the embassy and apply for a temporary passport. They then have to conduct an investigation into the situation before they will issue my temporary passport. All this would take time that I do not have. And the nail in the coffin is that I cannot apply for a temporary OR replacement passport because the embassy has my birth certificate in the file with my new passport, and this is required with any application in order to prove my citizenship.

My personal comments: Firstly, I cannot understand how something so crucial to living overseas as a passport can be misplaced at an embassy office for over a week.  Even if the parcel was delivered to the “Immigration” section, it should not take over a week for someone to forward it to the correct, “Consular” section.  Passport are crucial documents to those living in foreign countries, and it is the embassy’s job to deal with passports every day – it is unacceptable for one to become so “lost” in their offices.

Secondly, I find it frustrating that no embassy staff members followed up to inquire when they did not receive my old passport within the 3 to 5 day window they tell everyone the mail system should take.  I did not follow up until it had been approximately 10 days (5 days to travel there and 5 days to travel back) because that was the longest I should have had to wait to receive it back here, according to them.  Had they simply followed up, nearly a week of time could have been saved (and yes, I am aware that the embassy is a busy place and they have work to do, but again, feel that it is completely unacceptable to hold such a hands-off, unconscientious attitude towards people’s passports).

Finally, I have found several of these phone calls to be not only unhelpful, but also berating.  I will admit to being quite frustrated and short with the employee on the phone, but I do not believe I deserved to be spoken to in the manner in which I was.  Some degree of customer service should be upheld, and solutions provided, rather than just repeatedly reminding me that it was all my own fault because the parcel was not addressed properly.

Update as of Saturday evening:  I have talked with my employers and husband and we have decided that I am not going to trust the mail system to return my passport to me after all this, but instead will travel to Beijing to pick it up in person.  I plan to start calling the embassy early Monday morning to try to get confirmation that they have retrieved my passport and that all documents are ready for pick up (because although the employee I spoke to on Friday told me this would happen, she happens to not work on Monday, so I don’t know if the work will actually get accomplished unless I remind someone).  I want to wait for this confirmation before making any plans to travel there because I am still confused as to how they can know that my passport is in an office that was locked and that they did not have access to.

If and when I have it confirmed, then my husband and I will purchase train tickets for Monday afternoon or evening (hopefully I can board the train using only a photocopy of my passport) so that we can be at the embassy on Tuesday morning when they open (because again, the office is only open from 8:30 to 11:00am during the week).

LESSONS:  A few lessons can be taken from this ordeal (and yes, I feel justified in calling it an ordeal).

Firstly, if you use the mail service, call and inquire about the status of your passport every day after you send it to be sure that they receive it and so that if they do not, you can immediately begin tracing the parcel.

Secondly, if you use the mail service, be sure the address is written correctly and completely (although again, if you don’t read or write characters, I’m not sure how you can confirm this).

Finally, always do everything in person – do not use the mail service (not because the service didn’t do their job, but because you are then without your passport for at least several days).

How Do I Love Thee…

First off this week, I want to thank everyone who voted for Tales From Hebei over at My New Chinese Love for the Lotus Blossom Award.  If you haven’t heard already, Jocelyn’s Speaking of China won the award this year, and I send my congratulations to her.  I was honoured to be nominated after only a year of blogging and appreciate people taking the time to vote for me!

Next…the post.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and in the spirit of the season, this week I present to you, my ode to my husband.

Yep, this guy!

He’s honestly the best husband I could ask for, for so many reasons.  I’m sure your husbands are pretty good, but mine is far and away the best.

When he’s not making me laugh and providing me with fodder for this blog (speaking of which, just yesterday he confused the words “cucumber” and “barbeque” – there’s not really a story behind it, but I sure laughed!), he’s busy working at providing us the best life he can.  He took care of arranging the majority of our wedding himself, since the language barrier made it nearly impossible for me to contribute much more than opinions.  He is patiently trying to help me learn more Chinese and trying to find a way for us to purchase our own home.  He is a loving son and grandson, and I’m thankful to his family for raising him so well.  He has a great smile and a kind heart.

But my husband’s best features just might be his ears.

I know, you might think it’s weird, but one of the things I love about him the most is that he listens.  I’ve lost count of the number of times I have mentioned something once, only to find him taking care of it just as soon as he has the time.  Here are a few:

If something is in need of repair in our house, all I have to do is tell him and he will either try to fix it himself or track down a worker to come and fix it.  From dripping faucets, to washing machines that don’t spin, to lights that have shorted out, he takes care of it all.  And he even cleans the hair clumps out of the shower drain without me even having to ask!

The instant I mention feeling even a tiny bit under the weather, he interrogates me about my symptoms and comes home laden with medicine for me to take.  He dispenses advice (no spicy food if I have a sore throat, drink more hot water, have some ‘easy’ food like porridge if my stomach is upset) and chats with me online from work to see how I’m feeling and make sure I’ve taken my medicine ‘on time’.

OK, my husband didn't get me this particular medicine, but just LOOK at the colour! It reminded me of a cleaning product!!

While out shopping one day and walking past a cell phone accessory stall, I said (half to myself) that I wanted to remember to look online for a case for my e-reader so I could carry it with me in a bag and not scratch it.  A week or so later, a parcel arrived from his mother, containing a little hand-knit pouch just the right size for my e-reader!  Gee, I wonder how she knew…

One day as I was cooking lunch and coughing up a storm in our kitchen, I happened to get grumpy and rant a bit about the mould that grows there (I happen to think that living in a mouldy house doesn’t exactly help my respiratory system’s health – crazy, I know).  Just as soon as we finished eating lunch, he locked himself in our cold, unheated kitchen for the next hour to scrub as much of the mould as he could off the ceiling and from behind and underneath the cookstand.

After racking my brains trying to think of something that I could get for his mother and grandmother as gifts at Spring Festival, I finally asked him one evening if he thought they would like a small piece of needlepoint if I made them one (hey, I used to do the odd cross-stitch kit when I was a kid and it’s like riding a bicycle).  Although he doubted my ability to actually do this, he agreed and a couple of days later came home with all I needed to make a couple of pieces.  Granted, they are gigantic pieces and unfortunately I didn’t manage to finish even one of them in time for Spring Festival this year, but it’s the thought that counts, right?!

Like two peas in a pod!

And just in case you need one more example of why my husband is awesome, here it is.  One evening, about a week ago, we were watching a TV show or movie online that mentioned “bubble wrap” and how awesome it is to just sit and pop the bubbles.  I had to explain to him just what “bubble wrap” was, but once he knew, he understood and agreed that there is something inexplicably great about popping bubble wrap (some things are just universal, you know!).

Neither of us mentioned this conversation again, but then he came home from work the other day and announced that he had a present for me.  I felt terrible, as I had nothing for him, although it wasn’t a holiday, it was just a regular old Friday evening.  I told him so and he just shook his head, saying it wasn’t a big deal.

With crinkles at the corners of his eyes, he led me to the living room and started digging around in his backpack.  Then he presented me with perhaps the best present ever:  a piece of bubble wrap!

Just in case you’re wondering ladies, no, he doesn’t have a brother (China’s one-child policy and all).