This week?  Part two of those pointers (because there were a few things I thought of after last week’s post that I figured you might find amusing or useful or interesting…or that I just wanted to rant about)!

Q:  Should I use a real estate company to help me buy a house?

The short answer from me is probably.  It’s probably easier to go through a real estate company and have an agent help you through the all the paperwork and visits to all the offices that you have to make.  And I have to say probably because in our experience, it seemed as if it was the first time our agent had ever gone through the process as well.  She didn’t know where some of the offices were located, sent us to the wrong tax office, didn’t know the order in which things had to be completed, and didn’t have some of the paperwork ready when we needed it (like when we had to have the fake contract [with different prices] ready to show at the tax office so that we could pay a lower amount – and yes, that is apparently perfectly allowable here; it’s another way to try to get around some of those wonderful new policies to curb prices).  And because getting anything done in China is all about having the right relationships with people, on at least three different occasions we had to call the manager of the real estate company to come to whichever office we were in to smooth things over, because our agent didn’t have those relationships.

But while you’re waiting for your realtor to figure out what to do next, you can take pictures of pretty peep-hole covers.

Because of all this, there were many times where I thought to myself, “Sheesh, since we’re just fumbling through the process, asking where we need to go next, we could have done this well ourselves!”  In the end, everything got done (I hope!), but I think with the right, experienced agent, it would have been much less hassle.

Q:  How large a house should I buy?

Well, of course the short answer is that it is up to you and your needs.  We wanted a house that was going to suit our needs for many years – and that includes us, any children we may have, and possibly my husband’s parents coming to live with us.  If you think you’ll be happy sharing a room with your child, or giving up your bedroom so that your in-laws don’t have to sleep on the sofa, then go right ahead, but I wasn’t about to agree to those things.  We wanted to have enough space to be comfortable, and luckily we were in the position to be able to afford such a place…because remember, prices here are set per square meter, so the larger the house, the more expensive it will be.

Another thing I should warn you about is the discrepancy between the advertised area and useable area of homes here.  All houses, whether new or second-hand, are advertised as being a certain area, but that area is the absolute total area.  That means it includes the stairwell, at least part of the elevator shaft (if the building has one), and all the wall thicknesses.  The actual, useable area of your house will be lower than what they advertise, sometimes by 20 to 30 square meters.  This could mean that the 100 square meter house you think will suit you may end up being rather small for your family.

See all those walls, and the stairs on the right? You’ll pay for them, even though you can’t live in those spaces.

Q:  Chinese people haggle over prices for everything, so I’ll be able to do that for a house I’m interested in, right?

Hahahahahahaha!  Oh man!  You kill me!  Hahahaha!  Stop it, I can’t breathe!!

Oh, you were serious?

Uh, no.  No, you won’t.

Why?  Because of what I like to refer to as the “Great Chinese Housing Shortage Myth”.

You see, Chinese people believe, to their very core, that there are truly not enough houses in this country.

And some people may argue with me that it’s true, but I’m going to go ahead and say that I don’t believe that, or I at least don’t believe that the situation is quite as grim as they do.  I mean, when you think about the old residential areas they are demolishing, and the sheer number of multi-building high-rise, hundreds-of-apartments-in-just-one-building areas they are building in those same locations, as well as expanding the cities and building completely new areas in the surrounding countryside, it doesn’t seem like it should be that hard to find a house if you want one.  There are other things to consider as well, I know, but overall, I just don’t think it is as bad as everyone here is told.

(And make no mistake, they are being told this.  It’s just one of the lovely pieces of propaganda this country spews out to its citizens.)

Long live the PRC!

So when it comes to buying a house, these people are so convinced that there aren’t enough houses that they will jump at the first chance they get to buy a house, any house, often regardless of anything else (large enough size, location, layout, price vs. value), because they believe that if they don’t buy it right then, that they will absolutely never have another chance to purchase a home.

Of course, this has made China a seller’s market almost like no other.  They refuse to negotiate the price of their house at all, because if you don’t want to buy it for that price, then they know that all they have to do is wait, because the next guy who comes along will be so desperate that he will pay whatever they want, no questions asked.  This also contributes to what I mentioned last week, where the sellers demand that you, the buyer, cover their portion of taxes and real estate fees, increasing the cost to you.  Again, if you refuse, there will be someone else next week who will agree.

In short, look at homes in your price range and be prepared to pay what they are asking, possibly more.

Q:  What kind of amenities will Chinese people use to convince me to buy their house?

Oh gosh, all sorts of wonderful things that you probably won’t give two hoots about!  Here is just a short list of some of the different selling points about houses that I heard:

-          “It’s near the park” – and by that, they meant a ten minute bus ride away.

-          “It has an elevator” – hmm, yes, but given that I know that every building in China taller than six or seven floors has one, the fact that your 32-story high-rise comes with an elevator is not particularly impressive (also, armed with the information from above that I would have to pay for the space the elevator takes up but have it taken out of my total house area, I was even less impressed).

-          “The living room is very large” – oh jeez, do Chinese people love huge living rooms!  The problem is that they love them at the expense of all the other rooms in their house.  No word of a lie, I visited one house (the home of one of my husband’s colleagues) and while the living room rivaled a basketball court for size, the other rooms were barely bigger than closets.  I mean, I understand that you want to be able to visit with guests in your living room, but wouldn’t it also be nice to be able to turn around in your kitchen?

They might try to sell you on the awesome wallpaper too!

-          “We’ll leave the furniture” – oh, you mean the cheap, mostly ugly furniture that is there now?  Lucky me!  Oops, I mean, no thank you.

-          “Look at this mechanism for raising and lowering the rod for hanging your laundry on.  It’s so convenient!” – yes, it is.  Wow, really cool (and I mean that genuinely for once).  Alas, once you’ve paid for the house and finally gotten the keys you may find that they have removed this and taken it with them, along with the curtain rod from the living room…but not the ones from the bedrooms (although they did leave you a random assortment of mismatched old shoes in the basement storage room, really old, half-full soy sauce bottles in the kitchen, and an almost-full pack of cigarettes on the floor to make up for it).

So there you have it!  I’ve now shared with you my knowledge and wish you well in your hunt for a house in the Middle Kingdom.  I suppose if you have any other questions and want a fairly sarcastic, only possibly helpful answer, you can always ask.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have KEYS!

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to figure out how to make a shower stall drain to the opposite side of the room when the floor is made of solid concrete (don’t ask).

My husband and I bought a house!  Or, as I’ve been joking, we are now officially a couple of HOs (home owners, jeez!).

The title to our house!

Not many people knew that we were even in the process of looking; we’d kept it on the quiet side, since we suspected that it would take some time to weed through houses and find something we liked, and then to actually finalize a deal and have it all work out (my husband will tell you that this is a direct result of his having a tremendously picky wife, but there are other reasons too).

But for the last few weeks, we’ve been running around to various offices to show identifications and sign various papers, transferring money between different accounts, and all the other fun stuff that goes along with purchasing a home.

So now that the deed is done, I feel I’ve become something of a self-proclaimed expert on purchasing a house in China (OK, not really an expert, and a lot of this is my personal experience, so it may not be true all the time, but I’m also not making any of this stuff up).  And since you’ve been inundating me with questions about it (ha!), I figured I would take some time out of my busy schedule to answer some.

Q:  What types of houses can I choose from in China?

In China, when I say “house” I mean “apartment”.  That’s what you’re likely going to get, end of story.  Moving on…there are three options you may choose from when deciding to purchase a house.  They are as follows:

1)      Buy a new house that isn’t even built yet.  This is the cheapest option, but you will have to buy your home based solely on a floor plan printed on a pamphlet, and then you will have to wait years (potentially 3 to 5) for the development to be finished before you can take possession.  And at that point, you will still have to actually finish the home to make it liveable, since newly built homes in China consist of concrete floors, walls, and ceilings, windows, a few electrical fixtures, and plumbing access points.  Also, remember that the whole time you’ve been waiting for your house to be built, you’ve been making mortgage payments (if you’ve taken one out) and are also potentially paying rent on your current abode.

A floor plan like this, only often without the numbers representing the dimensions.

2)      Buy a house that is built, but unfinished.  This is more expensive than option 1, and there are fewer of these homes available.  You’ll still have all the decorating to do, but at least the home physically exists already (if you’re really lucky, you might even get to bundle up in the dead of winter to go and walk through it, complete with sunglasses and facemask disguise as your husband tells the realtor that you hail from Xinjiang, not a foreign country…or maybe that’s just me).

3)      Buy a second-hand home.  This is probably the most expensive option, unfortunately (so of course, it’s the route we took…sigh), since China appears to have yet to catch on to the concept of depreciation – a 15-year old house, complete with 15-year old wiring and plumbing (and done to Chinese construction standards, no less), is often at least as expensive as a new house here.  Because, why not, right?  This kind of house might actually be finished inside, which the sellers will use to convince you it’s great, although it may end up being really cheap and ugly and require you to tear everything out to re-decorate anyway (but again, maybe that’s just me).

Q:  What do I need in order to buy and own a house in China?

Here is a list of things that I have found to be important:

1)       A pile of cold, hard cash, or access to a lot of it.  Mortgage rules are different here, and they even differ according to whether you are buying a first-hand house in a new development or a second-hand house, and banks often won’t lend much anyway.  Sellers want cash in hand, and down payments are often in the 60-70% range, if not the full 100%.  But if you’ve got a suitcase of crisp bills just burning a hole in your pocket, then by all means, go ahead.  Gold, gems, and pirate booty might do the trick in some instances, but not many, so best to convert it to cash beforehand.

2)      A Chinese person to do an awful lot of the work – in my case, that was my wonderful husband.  Even if you speak and read and write Chinese well (which I don’t) and are able to access the websites listing homes for sale, talk to realtors, and visit companies selling new developments, I happen to think you’d be a lot better off to have a Chinese person to do it.  Not because foreigners aren’t allowed to buy homes here (those rules are changing – I don’t think a foreigner can own alone, but they have recently allowed foreigners to own jointly).  Not because of the “relationships” one needs to have or make in order to get things done with the various government offices you have to deal with.  And not just because of all the jargon and details involved.  Simply because, like buying almost anything else in this country, if people are aware that a foreigner is involved, they will raise the price.

3)      Patience.  Dealing with Chinese people selling anything can be a chore, but they are especially memorable when it comes to real estate.  Throw your logic out the window.  You may have to deal with the bizarre attitudes of sellers/previous owners, and trust me, it’s not pretty.  One house we had pretty much decided to purchase was suddenly already sold overnight, but then was available again a few months later.  Another was for sale by a lovely old lady who was willing to give us a pretty good deal on it, until we discovered that she was not actually the owner on the title – the house belonged to her kids who were not so willing to agree to the deal we’d struck with granny, and the house was taken off the market, only to reappear a few months later, re-listed by granny again, we discovered.  A third house we considered was on the market for many months, and the owners decided to raise the price when it continued to go unsold.  Several others that we considered had the price increased substantially by the sellers requiring us to pay their share of the fees to change the names on the title.

4)      Your passport, complete with a valid residency permit.  This is your only piece of acceptable identification in this country, and you’ll need to photocopy and present it along with all your paperwork at government offices and banks.  So if yours is, for example, at the local police station having its residency permit renewed, you should get it back so you can use it…but preferably after the new residency permit is adhered to one of the pages, since if you do it before, you’ll sweat like crazy every time a worker examines your old one, thinking that this will be the time they’ll notice you’ve “overstayed” your visa.

Many, many copies of this will be taken.

5)      Proof of your income in China.  If you’re applying to the bank for a mortgage, they’ll want to see proof of your income, which means you’ll have to go to the bank, show your passport, stress about whether they are going to notice your visa is technically expired, and then ask them to print off an account history for several months and notarize it.  You’ll also need to get your employer’s official stamp on some documents, so make sure you know who the “keeper of the chop” is at your office.

Q:  How long should I expect the process to take?

If you’re not as picky as I am and you don’t really care about the size, layout, quality, or location of your house, then not long at all.  You can start looking and just buy the first one you come across.  However, if you’re even a little like me, I’d say at least a few months, depending on how intensely you are looking.  We had been looking for about a year before we finally found and purchased our house.

Q:  Where will I have to go to do all the paperwork?

All.Over.The.City.

Honestly, this wouldn’t be China if the process was streamlined and straightforward and the various offices related to housing were all located near one another, would it?  We had to make appearances at (in no particular order, and sometimes more than once):  a tax office, an office to print new blueprints and other documents and put my husband’s name on them as owner and notarize them, an office to change the name on the ownership title, three different banks, another government office to file the purchase, yet another government office where I don’t even know what we did, and the realtor’s office.  And those are just the places that I went; I’m sure my husband did even more running around that I didn’t have to be present for.

Many of the offices will also use filing systems such as this, the “piles of papers stacked on a table and I’m sure they will be fine if we open the window” method.

Q:  So did you say I won’t get to see the house before I agree to purchase it?  What the heck is up with that?

Chances are this could be true.  Knowing there is a foreigner involved will change the dynamic of the whole process, so it might be best to stay out of sight until contracts are signed.

I didn’t go to any meetings or viewings for the house we ultimately bought (my husband did all the work, took pictures for me to look at, and drew floor plans on paper so that I could have some idea of what the place looked like).  In fact, I didn’t make an appearance at all until it was absolutely necessary for me to be present, which was after the deal had been struck, the contract had been signed and we were changing the names on the house title.

I only got to sign my name and stamp my red fingerprint once during all the proceedings, but my husband got to do it a lot more.

Which leads you to question, I’m sure, how could I possibly agree to buy a house I’d never even seen?  Warily, I suppose, is the best answer.  But out of necessity as well, because, foreigner or not, that’s often the way things are done here.  I wasn’t kidding when I said that most people in China simply buy a house that isn’t even built yet, based on a floor plan.

Q:  What should I look for in a house in China?

You know all that talk about “curb appeal” and all those tips about things to look for when purchasing a home?  Throw it all out the window if you’re considering buying a house in China.

First of all, curb appeal doesn’t exist here.  Some of the newest buildings in our city look like they’ve been standing for a decade, rust running down the tiled exteriors, cracks in those tiles, and decrepit air conditioning units hanging out windows – yet those buildings were finished just last year.  And if you’re concerned about having a nice view, well…most days any view you have will be obscured by smog here anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.

And the helpful tips about checking a home’s water pressure, the quality of doors and windows, that floors are level and walls are straight, and that appliances and fixtures work?  Well, remember when I said that you’d likely be getting just a concrete box…yeah.

When buying a home in China, you’ll find yourself agonizing over and desiring things that would never have crossed your mind in a million years back home.  Does this house run the width of the building and have windows on each end so I can open them and get a cross breeze?  Is there a southern exposure so I will have a place to hang my laundry to dry?  Are the pipes going to be run inside or outside of the cement walls?  Can I physically turn around in this kitchen?  Am I able to walk through the doorways, or will I have to turn sideways?  Is there a giant television screen on the building across the street that is going to play baijiu advertisements all day and half the night and shine in our windows?  It’s great that there are two bathrooms in this house, but why are they located side-by-side?  And related to that, is there a bathroom located near the bedrooms, or am I going to have to walk almost to the front door to use the facilities in the middle of the night?

Q:  Any other sage advice?

RANT ALERT.  House prices in China are a joke, especially considering what you get out of the deal (typically a cramped, concrete box, surrounded at close range by hundreds of other cramped, concrete boxes).  And while China continues to implement policies to attempt to curb rising home prices, I’m here to tell you that it isn’t working.  Example:  recently, the government has been trying to crack down on families owning more than one home (living in one, perhaps, and holding on to the others to sell for a maximum profit down the line).  For second-hand home sales, there is now a tax based on the increase in value of the home since its original purchase, and buyers and sellers are to split this cost – the idea being to penalize both sides somewhat.  But, as in our case, most of the original home owners are avoiding this by simply refusing to sell unless the buyer also covers the seller’s share of the tax, making the home even more expensive to buy.  Another way some Chinese are avoiding the penalties of owning more than one home is to simply get a divorce and then each spouse keeps a home.  They remain together but legally are in the clear.  So while the Chinese government is trying to implement these policies to control their housing markets, they haven’t yet stopped to consider a way to actually enforce these policies the way they were intended, resulting in first-time home owners like us, just looking to buy a single house to live in, being penalized, rather than the rich officials who already own multiple homes and are selling them for profit.

A look at just half of the government office where people are rushing to file changes in home ownership before new legislation comes into effect…on a non-busy day (and by “non-busy” I mean that there were only about 500 people there and a person could still move and breathe a bit).

OK, rant over.

Q:  So, if all of the above is true, why did you go through the trouble and expense of buying a house? 

Well, because we wanted to own our own home and not have to worry about having to move once a year when the lease on our rented apartment comes due because the landlord decides to raise the rent more than my employers are willing to pay, or because the landlord decides to move back into the apartment.  We also wanted a place we could decorate to not only our tastes, but also our needs and wants (and by this I mean places for storage, kitchen cupboards, a sink that isn’t hung near my knees, etc).

In the end, as a result of my pickiness and my husband’s patience and persistence, we managed to find a house that we think will suit us very well for a long time.  And as soon as we get the key, we can get to work on tearing out some of their “decoration” so it can be replaced with things that will work for us.  And that’ll be a whole different set of posts, I’m sure!

I know, I speak and teach the language, so how can I badmouth it like that?

Well, I never really stop to think about whether it makes sense or not, since it is my native language and it just flows out of me so easily, but sharing my life with my husband, who speaks it as a second language and is constantly learning it, has allowed me to see it through his point-of-view from time to time.  He has a more objective perspective on it than I do.

And let me tell you, sometimes, English is stupid.

I often consider Chinese to be a rather flowery, poetic language, crammed full of idioms and phrases that take longer to explain to me than to (in my mind) just say what is meant directly.  For example, if you are going to do something right away, you’ll say “ma shang” which translates literally to “on a horse” because back in the days of old, old China, travel by horse was the fastest and so if one was on a horse, he would be able to get his things done quickly.

Me…on a horse…get it?!

But as my husband consistently points out to me (on purpose or not), English is full of unnecessary words and idioms too.  Sure, we all can understand why a phrase like “raining cats and dogs” might be confusing to a non-native speaker, but what about some of those specific words we use to describe things?  Why can’t we English speakers just say what we mean, too?

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about.

One day just before our annual trip back to my husband’s hometown for Chinese New year, we were both at home, packing and chatting.  I can’t remember why, but he said something about a “belly hole”.  It took me a brief minute to figure out what he was talking about.

Since he has asked me to be harder on him and correct his English more, I told him he meant to say “belly button” – that was the name used to describe that body part.  I think I even told him about the term “navel”, but by that time he wasn’t listening.

He thought about what I’d said for a few beats, then asked me why it was called a belly button if it didn’t stick out like a button does.

Oh, you and your crazy English again…

I replied that some people’s do stick out; that some people have “outies” and others have “innies”.

“Well,” he countered, “since mine doesn’t, that means I am missing the ‘button’.  Mine is just the hole, so it’s a belly hole!”

And you can’t really argue with that logic, now can you?

Let me just fend off the nasty haters right away and say that I do enjoy living here most of the time and that there are a lot of good things about it.  But that doesn’t mean that I enjoy the near-constant stream of challenges and frustrations that can seem to pile up.  Living in a foreign country is never easy, and let’s face it, sometimes we just want things to be like they are “at home” (even though we know they won’t be).

This pollution is one of the things I definitely do not like about living here. Look, you literally can barely see across the street.

Anyway, this post isn’t really about a Bad China Day.  In fact, it’s about the complete and utter opposite:  The Best China Day I’ve had in ages.

And yes, for those of you who have never lived here, you’re going to get to the end of this post and go, “So what?”  But trust me, the things that happened last Sunday may seem ordinary and everyday to you, but they amount to a big deal to me here in small-town China.  And for them all to happen on one day…it was a post-Spring Festival miracle!

The day started off like any other Sunday, really.  I got up much too early for my tastes and got ready to go to work.  I wasn’t feeling too hot either, since I’ve been fighting a cold that I picked up somewhere between here and Inner Mongolia.  But off to work I went, and taught my classes.  The first class was pretty terrible, but that was no surprise, sadly.  The next two steadily improved, and then, at noon, I was finished work for the day!

Not having to rush home, inhale lunch, and head back to work, I contemplated what to do with my afternoon.  I decided to go to Walmart.

That’s right.  But here’s why.  A couple of days earlier, a coworker had told me that the newer Walmart in our city had had a selection of cheese over the holiday and that she thought there might be some left.  Cheese?  In our little city?  I had to check it out.

I made my way out to the store, guardedly optimistic about what I was going to find there.  If my coworker was right and there had been real cheese available, surely it would all be sold out by now.  But if they had had cheese, there was also the chance they would have other rare items, so I decided to comb the whole store to see what I could find.

Jackpot!

My first finds were the following awesome T-shirts (that no, you can’t have).  And yes mom, I plan to wear the second one ironically, since I don’t actually eat bacon.

“Do you know where your teenager is at five o’clock in the morning?”

“Bacon makes everything better.”

After the shirts, I made my way through the toiletry section to get toothpaste for my husband and shampoo for myself, and then meandered into the household items.

Wait a minute!  What is that I spy?  Could it be…no, it couldn’t…it is!

A tall broom!!!!

As awkward as I knew it would be to get home, I also knew that my back would thank me in the long run.  Into the cart it went.

With the addition of a package of cupcake liners to my cart (and no, I have no idea why they are selling them here, where almost no one has an oven to bake cupcakes with), I was feeling pretty good as I approached the grocery area.  I picked up a few other things on my list and pushed my cart to the refrigerated section.

It was the moment of truth.  Would the rumours of cheese be substantiated?

Oh.Em.Gee.  Were they ever!

Not only was there cheese, but there were multiple varieties.  Cheddar!  Gouda!  Edam!  Cream cheese!

And butter!  And whipping cream!

Yes, I had already used half of one block of cheese when I took this picture. Oh, and half of the other block of butter I bought was gone too. Don’t judge me.

I didn’t want to leave.  I’m pretty sure I even teared up a little.

Finally, with my cart full, I tore myself away and headed to the checkout and then home.

But wait, there’s more to my Good China Day.

Having successfully obtained cheese and looking on my shelves at what other things I had, I developed a craving for my mom’s tuna casserole and realized I had almost everything I needed to make it.  The only things missing were onion and celery.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  Why didn’t I just buy onion and celery when I was at Walmart?

Well, it’s like this.  Because shopping in China is like being a hunter-gatherer.  You can never buy all the things on your shopping list (at least if you’re a foreigner) at one store, because not all stores carry the same items.  So you end up having to wander the city, stalking through three or four different supermarkets in order to get the things you need to make a meal.

And Walmart produce in our city is awful.  So I decided I would take a chance and head up to the vegetable stall on our street to try to buy my onion and celery.  And I say “try” because while the quality of vegetables is usually better at these little stalls, they don’t always have certain foods, because of what is or isn’t in season.  Onion I was pretty sure I could get, but celery…hmmm.

I unpacked my Walmart goodies and put them away and started to put my coat on to go back out.  Suddenly I stopped myself.  It was just after two o’clock in the afternoon.  If I walked all the way out there now, the vegetable vendors will be closed for the afternoon (they only open for a few hours around lunch and dinner), and I would be angry for having wasted my time (and my Good China Day would go downhill).

Proud of myself for actually remembering this, I took my coat off and decided to get some other things done during the afternoon and go back out later.

And by “other things” I mean celebrating finding cream cheese by making this Oreo cheesecake that is now almost gone.

The final feather in my Good China Day hat?  When I did go back out later in the afternoon, the vegetable stall had both onion and celery and I was able to make the tuna casserole.

The moral of the story:  The smallest things can make the biggest difference (oh, and that yes, my life is so dull that I get excited over brooms).

Now, the moment you’ve all been anticipating, the results of the contest!

If you’ll remember, in my last post I showed you pictures of Chinese people near my home actually forming and waiting in a line, willingly, and asked you to guess what they were waiting for.

See! It really did happen!!

Sixteen of you ventured your best guesses, ranging from travel tickets of some sort, to free medical care; from coupons or vouchers, to celebrity meet-and-greets; from jobs, to food, to glimpsing a bride and groom at a wedding.  All very good guesses as to what Chinese people might want, but I have to personally say that I can’t picture them waiting patiently in a line for any of those things (several of which I have seen given out here, and trust me, there is no queuing!).

Unfortunately, as a result, there is no outright winner.  Not one of you managed to guess correctly.

An honourable mention goes to Greg for guessing “a package of candy to give to children at New Year” since it was tied to the New Year holiday, so you can give him half the adoration you’d have given a full winner.

Should I put you out of your misery yet and just tell you the answer?  Not quite yet.  You have one job to do for me first.

This blog has been nominated once again for My New Chinese Love’s Lotus Blossom Award, and the results depend on your votes.  This year, there are two categories, and Tales From Hebei was the only site nominated for BOTH!  For that, I already thank you, but I would like to ask that if you enjoy this blog, could you head on over and vote for me?

Just click HERE and scroll down until you see the poll boxes.  Voting closes February 25.  Thanks so much!

And now that you’ve done that for me, I am prepared to reveal the answer to the question, “What is the one thing that can cause Chinese people to willingly form and wait in an orderly line?”

The answer?

Not quite this fancy, but…

Paper couplets and decorations for their door for the New Year (and yes, I believe they were free).

Chinese people waiting in line.

It’s a bit hard to tell, but I promise you, they were lined up single file!

An orderly, calm, quiet, single file line…in China.  No pushing.  No shouting.  No cutting.  And no policemen or rent-a-cops around to encourage this behaviour – they did it on their own.  Newcomers to the line simply walked up to the end of it and took their place and waited…in China.  Did I mention that this happened in China?

I.Was.Floored.

And lest you think poorly of me for thinking poorly of Chinese people, so were my two coworkers already waiting at our designated pick-up spot.  They were staring at this phenomenon with their jaws literally wide open.  When I joined them and said hello, they couldn’t even tear their eyes away from the scene, as if they thought if they did, the entire thing would evaporate into thin air.

We gaped in silence for a couple of minutes, not speaking.  Finally, one of my colleagues asked the question we all wanted the answer to.

“What are they waiting for?”

If you’re familiar with China, you’ll understand our amazement.  People just don’t wait in lines here.  There doesn’t seem to be such a thing as a queue.  It doesn’t happen.

It’s more of a “cluster”.

My head logically tells me that the reason for this is that there are so many people in China, and that Chinese people are told that there are so many people in China so very often, that citizens really are convinced that if they wait patiently, they will never get what they came for.  That whatever they are lining up for will have run out by the time they get to the front of the line (and given the history of poverty, food rations, etc., in China’s relatively recent history, it’s not that far off).  Also, it’s pretty easy to justify cutting in line when everyone else is doing it, I guess.

But back to those people on the street near my home.  Just automatically standing in a line, like it was the most normal thing in the world for them to be doing (which it is, except that this is China, so it isn’t).

What were they waiting for?

I know the answer, but that’s what this contest is about.  I want you to give me your best guess, in the comments section, as to what those people so willingly lined up for.

Another picture, a bit closer.

The rules?  None, really.  Guess as much as you want.

(I will be away for the next week and a half or so, visiting my husband’s family for Spring Festival, and internet/VPN access may be limited or non-existent on my end.  Go ahead and guess anyway; when I have a chance, I’ll go through the comments and approve them, so don’t worry if your guess doesn’t show up right away.)

Contest closes?  February 14, 2013.  And yes, I will post the answer after that, rather than keeping you in infinite suspense (though, that would be fun, too).

The prize (if someone should guess correctly)?  Well, that’s the catch – there isn’t really a prize, unless you count the pleasure of knowing you figured out this puzzle, as well as the everlasting respect of me and all my blog readers (that’s like 7 whole people’s respect, guys!).  You’ll be able to brag to your friends about this one for years to come.  And my readers, when we see you walking down the street, we’ll all be like, “Hey, I totally know that guy/girl.  He/She knows how to get Chinese people to stand in line!”  I promise.

So, take a gander at the picture again, get the gears turning in your head, and give me your best guesses!

Oh, and Happy Year of the Snake (“She” nian kuai le)!

Well, wherever that is, it’s no match for China these days.  In fact, I am almost starting to think I would welcome spontaneously combusting shrubbery.

I mean, first, I was being shot at by unknown assassins.

But since that didn’t work, China is ramping it up in an attempt to finish me off altogether.

It’s a multi-pronged attack, in order to ensure that if one angle fails, one of the others will surely succeed in bringing about my demise.

Part 1:  Food Supply

Never mind the fact that most Chinese kitchens I’ve seen (at homes or in restaurants) are a bit on the (ahem) less-than-clean side or that refrigeration seems to be hit or miss.  The food may not even be safe when you buy it in the market!

Between melamine in the powdered milk and the actual liquid “milk” (and I use the term loosely, because it can’t possibly be real milk if the expiry date is a year from now, can it?), gutter oil, beef that is actually pork, fake eggs, exploding watermelons, cancer-causing agents in the bai jiu…there may be very little that is safe to put in your mouth in this country.

Wontons, or little dumplings of death?

Wait, check that.  I’m sure the vacuum-sealed chicken feet snacks are safe, because no one would dare mess with those.  But that doesn’t really help me, since, ew…feet.

Part 2:  Water Supply

Although I never drink the water from our taps anyway, I’ve always used it for cooking, washing, and bathing.  I’m starting to rethink that.

A few weeks ago, our water was turned off on a Saturday afternoon.  This is not entirely unusual, but what was strange was when it didn’t come back on by dinner time, and then later, when we discovered that it was not only our building, or our residential zone, but the entire city!  All kinds of rumours spread online about the reasons, with my personal favourite being that a Japanese spy had released a toxin into our city’s water supply (because forget Beijing or Shanghai – a tiny, backwater city would definitely be their first target!).

As it turns out, our city gets its water from a river, and five days earlier (!), a factory upstream had discovered a major leak and had been releasing chemicals into that river for the full five days, if not longer.

A few days later, after they moved the pumps to another water source for our city and resumed supply, the officials from the factory and the upstream municipality did say they were sorry it took them five days to actually let anyone know about this major leak, so…you know…that seems fair.

One possible solution is to stop using water – so, you’ll still love me if I stop showering and get really stinky, right?

Part 3:  Air Supply (“I’m all out of love, I’m so lost without you…” – no, not that kind of Air Supply)

Many of you have probably been hearing about eastern China being under the worst pollution (or if you’re in the Chinese media, “fog”) in decades, if not ever, lately.  Many a story has been written about how terrible the air in Beijing is.

Well, if you think that’s bad, I’ve got something that will blow your mind.

This is one of the better days we’ve had lately in terms of air quality.

Beijing isn’t as bad as it gets.  In fact, it isn’t even in the top 10 worst polluted cities.  We happen to live in the number 2 most polluted city in China during this “airpocalypse” – I’d gladly go to Beijing these days to get a breath of fresh air.

Seriously. The building across the street is hazy. Cough.

So you see, it’s inevitable – China is going to be the death of me, and chances are it’ll be sooner rather than later.  A lot of people would probably stress out and worry and buy masks or air filters or water softeners or go organic or whatever, but frankly, those seem like a lot of trouble, and since literally everything is trying to kill me here, I’ll just take my chances.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…right?

Having to give English names to new students.

(We always do this for new students – it makes it easier for us to remember and use names, and it encourages an “English Only” atmosphere once inside the classroom).

I mean, there I am, tasked with deciding what I, and many others, will call this person for potentially years to come.  Sure, it’s not a legal name, like their parents gave to them, so they can change it anytime they want, and they won’t use it in all facets of their lives, but sheesh!  And for all you parents out there, while you might have debated over names for just one or two children at a time, I’ve usually got to come up with twenty or so.

Oh, and did I mention they should be easily pronounceable and spellable?

Why not just let the students decide for themselves? you wonder.  Firstly, many of them are too young and don’t have much exposure to English to know any names.  And secondly, well…that’s what the rest of this post is about – what happens when Chinese people are left to their own devices to come up with one.

So here’s my list of tips for choosing an English name (all the examples are real, and come from just a handful of classes that I teach at one state-run school here in our city where their regular teachers have allowed them to choose their own names):

Tip 1:  Spelling and pronunciation are important.

Remember, if you yourself can’t spell your name correctly, you can’t expect that others will either.  We native English speakers look for certain sounding rules for letters when we see a word, so if you misspell your name, we’ll probably say it wrong.

Poor Maggie might find someone calling her “Magic” soon…

I guess she expects me to shout at her every time I say her name?

And the odd time, misspelling your name will result in it becoming another word that is not a name, and is in fact quite unflattering.

Her name is actually Alice, and she’s a lovely girl, so this is quite unfortunate.

Being able to say your name is key as well.  I’ll close this tip with a cautionary tale I’ve told many others before, about a young boy I used to teach whose English name was Simon.  But since he couldn’t properly pronounce the vowel sounds in his name, soon his teachers and friends couldn’t either.  And eventually, the spelling of his name was even changed.  And trust me, it’s quite a shock for me as a foreigner to look down at my exam paper and see that I will be testing someone named Semen.

Tip 2:  Numbers are not names.

Shaking my head.

I know George Costanza and Victoria Beckham might disagree with me, but numbers (even Seven) are not really names, so please avoid them.

Tip 3:  Naming yourself after food is just silly.

I’ve run across a lot of this here, and I’m not sure how it started, but I’m going to blame Gwyneth Paltrow.  These names are most often constrained to fruit, although not entirely – I’ve taught several Gingers over the years.

There is also a Strawberry in this class.

Seriously, I wonder what people would say if I started telling them my Chinese name was 奶酪 (cheese)?

Tip 4:  Just because it is a translation of your Chinese name, or part of it, doesn’t make it a good English name.

The last character is the one for “fish”.

If my husband were to translate his Chinese name, I’d be calling him something like Forest of Poplars.  See?  It doesn’t really work.

Tip 5:  Animals are cool, just not for your name.

As with the above Fish, this trend is more common in boys.  The number of Monkeys, Dragons, and Lions I’ve taught would make your head spin.  With girls, I’d say Butterfly has been the most ubiquitous animal name chosen.

Tip 6:  Adjectives rarely make good names.

I also once taught a boy named Windy – I don’t know what positive qualities he was trying to express with that one.

Sure, I get that you want to let people know the good qualities you see in yourself.  But literally calling yourself these things as a name is a bit too obvious.  Better to find a way to show them, rather than just tell them.

Tip 7:  Naming yourself after someone famous means you have big shoes to fill.

First of all, he chose Jobs, instead of Steve. And secondly, yes, I found it funny that these two students were listed one after the other.

Some famous names are less conspicuous than others.  For instance, I know a guy here whose English name is Carter (after Vince Carter, the basketball player).  It’s not as immediately apparent as some others I have run across.

But Obama is going to have to take some lessons from his namesake and work on his confidence. As soon as he finished answering the last question I asked during his oral exam, he simply doubled over and vomited all over the floor.

Tip 8:  Random nouns are hit and miss as to whether they make acceptable names.

Ah…no.

Again…no. (The worst thing about this student is that he used to be called Ryan, but someone let him change his name to this!)

I also used to teach a class with boys named Lamp, Stick, Try, and the infamous boy who called himself Refrigerator.  Sigh.

Lilac? Maybe. Grass? No. (Oh, and it’s a girl.)

Most certainly…NO! (And I did clarify this was his name, asking, “As in classroom?” He said yes and looked at me like I was the crazy one.

Tip 9:  You might want to run a name past a foreigner before you settle on it, because some of our names have less than positive connotations, despite being actual names.

I’m looking at you, all you Candys, LuLus, CoCos, and the one GoGo I know (who is actually a boy, unfortunately).

Tip 10:  Anything like the following are just…What the…?  No.

Better than Lucifer, I guess, but still…

Perhaps he has Irish/Celtic roots?

Facepalm.
FYI, his friends call him Bear for short.

My final tip?  When in doubt, go with a simple, boring, run-of-the-mill English name from one of your textbooks.  I guarantee you no one will stifle laughter or look at you like you’ve lost your mind if you introduce yourself as Sally or Tommy.

But hey…I can’t tell you what to do, right?!

What’s that?

You don’t remember me?

No, no need to apologize.  I completely understand.  I mean, from your point of view, I pretty much dropped off the face of the internet (does the internet have a face? It does now) for three months.  And let’s face it, attention spans these days are pretty darned short, so I get why you’re struggling to place me.

Ok, this is taking a really long time and I’m feeling kind of awkward just waiting here while you search the darkest corners of your brain.  Let me help you out.  I’m that Canadian girl who married a Chinese guy and wrote a blog about all the funny things that happen to me while I’m living here.

Remember us?

Ringing a bell?  No??

Um, maybe this will help – I’m probably related to you (I mean, I don’t have that many readers, do I?).

Oh, there you go!  I saw the lightbulb go on.  Whew, that’s a load off my mind.

Now that we’re past all that, we can get back down to business again.

Oh, you want to know where I’ve been all this time?  Why didn’t I post anything?

Well, the truth is, that after my last post back in October, I basically laid in bed for three weeks.  Well that’s no excuse, you’re thinking, you had so much time to write and blog.

Ah, no.  Because although I had the time, I was pretty much stuck lying flat on my back trying to fix that pesky back problem that’s been hounding me for a very long time (spoiler alert:  It nearly worked, but recently is acting up again, I’ve visited another doctor, and have a pile of medications I’m taking to try to fix it).  And it’s really uncomfortable to try to type when you’re lying down.  Try it.  Not easy.  Plus, I wasn’t getting out of the house, so nothing that funny really happened to report.

My drug cocktail. I have to take all this twice a day.

And then, when I was finally released into the wild again, people I work with started taking holidays to visit their families (the nerve of some people!), meaning I had to work extra and different hours than usual.

And then, well, December happened.

What’s wrong with December? you ask.

December was insane.

You see, China observes Volunteer’s Day on December 5, and in the past, this has meant that our bosses have volunteered us to do our job (teaching English) for free that day, conducting promotions to recruit new students at various state-run schools around the city.  But this year, our local city government decided to declare the entire month of December “Volunteer Month”, which gave management the impetus to continue these promotions throughout the entire month.  In case you’re wondering, this meant, “Goodbye, free time.”

Hence the lack of blogging.

But, moving on, I am back now and hoping to be back into a regular schedule of posting.  Cue the applause!

What’s that?  You want to hear more about those wonderful promotional classes and just what it’s like to be a foreigner here in small-town China?

Well, I don’t normally write about work, but since you twisted my arm…

I’ve said before that living here is a weird combination of being completely anonymous and being a celebrity.  I should also add that it is also a lot like being an animal caged at the zoo – everyone stares at you and expects you to “do something” to entertain them.

Something entertaining…like getting your hair cut.

Let me give you an example of just what I mean.

On the first day that we conducted these promotions, the plan was as follows:  we were to teach four lessons lasting 20 minutes each, introducing ourselves, teaching a handful of words for different toys (a football, a yo-yo, a doll, a teddy bear, etc.) and the sentence “I want a ___” (Christmas-related content, of course).  I was prepared for all this.

This is what actually happened.

We arrived at the school, met their teachers in the conference room, and headed out to begin the lessons.  During my first lesson, in addition to one of the office workers from our school taking photos, there were also a videographer and reporter filming, and a newspaper photographer attempting to take some artsy photos with a student’s face in the foreground and me teaching the lesson in the background.  In order to achieve this look, he was practically laying on the floor amongst the desks.  Also, he switched the student he was focusing on three times (I guess the first two weren’t pretty enough) – no, he didn’t move from his position, he just made the students switch seats.

As we moved to the next classroom, my entourage followed, and the second lesson began the same as the first, though towards the end, they did leave to go and bother another teacher’s class.

A ten minute break followed the second class, so we headed back up to the conference room to warm up (I should mention that they had some heat on in that room, but the classrooms were [as they generally are at every school here] unheated).  Upon entering the room, our head Chinese teacher called my name excitedly.

HCT:  You have to come over here so they can interview you.

Me (stupidly):  Why?

HCT:  Because you’re foreign.

Ah, of course.  I made my way across the room.

HCT:  No, take off your coat.

I remove my coat.  The camera guy and reporter look me up and down and say something.

HCT:  Take off your scarf too.  Put mine on.  My purple one looks nicer than your black one.

I remove my scarf and allow her to style me.

Me:  Is this OK now?

HCT:  Yes, now go over there by the window.  Oh, and speak Chinese.

This is a favourite game of people here in China – to put foreigners on the spot and demand that they speak Mandarin.  And while some people can do it, I am not one of those people.

I give her a look.

HCT:  It’s OK.  Just say whatever and if it is not good, they can edit it out.

The interview commences with some basic questions about where I am from, why I came to China, why we were at the school that day, and what I like to do in my free time.  I thought I was home free.  And then…

HCT (to the reporter):  She has a Chinese husband.  Make her talk about that!

And so we did.  Shivering, I finally finished and put my coat and scarf back on (by the way, the footage was edited and a piece aired on the local evening news that day).

On to the third lesson.  I was pleasantly surprised to only have one newspaper photographer hovering in the classroom for this one, albeit a completely different guy than the first lessons.  But he had apparently studied at the same school, because he proceeded to attempt to take the exact same kind of shots as the other guy had done.

All was going well, until…the door opened and one of the other foreign teachers was pushed into the room with a confused look on his face.  From behind him, our head Chinese teacher again.

HCT:  They want pictures of the two of you teaching together.  (Never mind that we never do this)  Oh, and take off your coats – it looks nicer.

So, in he came, and down into the middle of the classroom we went (because that’s a natural place to teach from), so that we could be surrounded by students in the photo and it would be more “interesting.”

Obediently, we did the actions for the various toys we were teaching as part of this Christmas content, smiling and looking as happy as we could be.  After nearly three minutes of us saying and the students repeating the same words over and over, the photographer still wasn’t satisfied.

Our head Chinese teacher:  He wants you to do some other, bigger actions.

Us:  Like what?

HCT:  Um, do…happy (with arms extended and the ubiquitous two-fingered victory sign)!

Like this…but bigger!

After a full minute of that, he was still shaking his head.

HCT:  Uh, now do a scary monster.

We did, and by this time, we could see the students wondering what in the world any of this had to do with Christmas.  Still not good enough for our photographer.  Even our head Chinese teacher was struggling by this point.

HCT:  Do something else.  Like…uh…like…a bird (with arms flapping)!

That, combined with the fact that our time for that lesson was up, finally seemed sufficient and we left a sea of children thoroughly confused about Christmas behind.

“I think he may have been drunk,” our head Chinese teacher whispered to me in the hallway.  My fourth lesson was entirely undisturbed, thankfully.

Oh, and if you think for a second that this was a one-time thing, you are sorely mistaken.  Later in the month, at another school, I went had almost the exact experience again (nearly word-for-word, I promise you)…

…Only this time, they also made me dress up in a Santa outfit.

Which they published in the newspaper.

Oh, you stuck around?  Gee, thanks, and have I mentioned that you’re my favourite reader?  No?  Well you are.  So anyway, now that we’ve weeded out the riff raff, I can get on with what I really want to write about this week.

“You’re not writing about China…but why?  What could you possibly have to write about that is better than another ridiculous anecdote from your daily life?  How about a goofy one-liner from that hilarious husband of yours?” you are grumbling under your breath.

Well, you see, Monday October 22 is a very special day and I want to acknowledge it.

It’s my parents’ wedding anniversary and this year, they will have been married for 35 years.  And I happen to think that that is worth celebrating.

Unfortunately, living overseas means that one often has to miss a lot of these important dates in people’s lives (weddings, births, birthdays, anniversaries), and the truth is, that sucks.  It’s always difficult to know that I can’t be with my family for most of these milestones, and even though I appreciate technology, emails and Facebook wall posts and Skype dates and having my brother buy cards and sign my name to them just aren’t the same (but thanks for doing it!).

To my parents,

Happy 35^th wedding anniversary!  I’m sorry I can’t be there to tell you that in person, and I hope you know how much I wish I could be.

And thank you.

Thank you for everything you’ve done for my brother and I – raising us to be (I think) good, hardworking adults, providing us with as many opportunities as you have, and always encouraging us.  Thank you for letting us make our own decisions in life and supporting us, no matter what.  Thank you for your continued advice.

Thank you for the care packages you send me, and for coming to visit me in China.  Thank you for laughing off your kidnappings (each of you), and for traveling halfway around the world so that you could be a part of my wedding.

Thank you for showing us what a great, real marriage is, and for always loving each other, even when you were driving each other crazy.  I certainly hope that my own marriage is as successful and lasting as yours.

Have a wonderful day, and treat yourselves.  I think after 35 years, you’ve earned it!

Lots of love,

Kelly (and hilarious husband, too!)