I’ve written before about what it is like to be a foreigner here in small-town China. It’s a weird cross between being completely anonymous (not many people can just saunter up to me, eavesdrop on my conversation, and then have a chat with me) and being a celebrity (complete with staring, cell phone paparazzi, and cat calls).
Let's have the foreigner pose for photos with our children so we can show our friends later that we 'know' a foreigner!
I’ve made peace with the fact that I will always and forever stick out here. I’m well-aware that I have no hope of ever passing as a Chinese person (I think I’ve mentioned before that the only time I’ve ever been mistaken for one was when it was dusk, I was wearing a hat and the hood of my sweater pulled up, and was climbing into the back of a taxi – apparently those are the conditions for me appearing Asian). Sure, I wish I could go about my business more anonymously, I wish I could carry my bags home from the supermarket without my neighbours noting exactly what I bought and discussing it as they sit outside in the evenings, but this is just the way it is. I don’t understand what is so fascinating about me (especially since my life is so incredibly dull most of the time), but people here are curious about foreigners (it’s like a real-life version of “Celebrities – They’re Just Like Us!”) and as long as they are somewhat respectful about it, I can just ignore it and get on with my life.
Foreigners - They're Just Like Us! They get haircuts!!
One thing I do lament as one of a small number of foreigners here in this city, and with my Mandarin being so limited, is that it can be difficult to meet people and make friends. Sure, there are the people I work with, and most of them are nice enough, but I don’t always want to hang out with work people. Through my husband, I have met some very nice people who I consider to be my friends as well as his, and I am very grateful that they treat me as my husband’s wife first, a friend second, and as a foreigner much later on the list. But meeting people on my own and becoming friends with them can prove difficult.
Some of my husband's good friends who treat me like one too.
You see, that’s the thing about being a visible foreigner – for most people here, that is my first, and often only, identifying characteristic. People are so star-struck by the fact that I am a foreigner that I don’t think they bother to remember that there may be more to me than that (or maybe they figure they already know everything about me, and every other foreigner on the planet, from watching American movies). Add to that the fact that many don’t speak much English (and I speak dreadful Mandarin) and one ends up with a couple of big obstacles to friendship.
But there’s something else. The other problem is that making friends in China seems to be a totally different ball game than making friends in Canada. [This may end up coming off a little rant-y, and I suppose it is somewhat, but it is also something I am truly amused/baffled about.]
First of all, people here tend to jump on the friendship bandwagon far sooner than a western person would. It’s often one of the first phrases out of their mouths when they meet me – “Hi, my name is Bob. Nice to meet you. I hope we can be good friends.”
Now hang on just a minute there, Bob. You just walked up and started talking to me. We’ve known each other for all of a minute and the only thing I know about you is your name. Do you think that’s enough to base a friendship on? Really? Don’t you think we should at least chat a bit more to find out a few more things about each other (like which side of the stinky tofu debate you fall on, or whether or not you are an axe murderer) before we run off getting a set of those break-apart ‘Best Friends’ necklaces?
People here get pretty excited by the prospect of having a foreigner as a ‘friend’ – regardless of the fact that they have only met this person once (details). It’s a status boost for them, something they can brag about to their other friends, like having a designer handbag or expensive car. Are foreigners the new luxury goods?
But the biggest difference? The one that makes me the most uncomfortable? Making friends in China seems to be all about what the other person can offer you – it’s more like networking than good old, honest, because-we-have-things-in-common-and-get-along-well friendship (at least that’s what it seems like for me, probably because I am a foreigner).
People I meet always suggest we should be friends – with a caveat. “Let’s be friends and you can teach me English” (being a foreigner means that everyone always assumes you are an English teacher, which in my case is true, but isn’t true for many). I’m not sure what response they are expecting when they say that.
What I want to say is, “Yes, because that’s just what I would like to do after a long day of teaching English at work – to meet up with you and do my job all over again…for free…NOT.”
Honestly people, let’s get real here for a second. How would they like it if I discovered they were a cook at a restaurant and I said, “Let’s be friends and you can come and make me dinner every night”? Or that they worked in construction – “Let’s be friends and you can build me a house”? Or a doctor – “Let’s be friends and you can perform a little operation on me that I’ve been putting off”?
Certainly, getting things done in China is all about who you know – making connections with people who can help you later (getting lower prices on goods, processing paperwork faster). But to mix the idea of friendship up with all this is a bit confusing and makes it all seem very insincere.
Are your friends really friends, or are they simply acquaintances who might be able to do something for you when you need it? Is there such a thing as a genuine friendship here in China?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently and wrote about it (in Chinese) to my blog. I would also love to make real friends and want to be friends with me, I don’t want to be collectible or free English teacher. I was nodding while reading your post “Yes, yes, this is exactly what I’m thinking.”
But how to solve the problem? I have no idea. I thought about joining some clubs at the university, but at the moment I’m too busy with school to do that. I would have time on the weekends, but where to find a friend? I’m thinking of answering to one of these “I want foreign friends” ads just to get started, maybe through that one connection it would be easier to also find true friends?
First of all, whew! I was a bit worried about publishing this since a) it isn’t quite the same sort of funny story I’ve been trying to stick to, and b) I wasn’t sure how people would take it or whether or not others would feel the same or just get angry at me for whining and tell me to go home to Canada. So thanks for not doing that!!
As I said, I am lucky to have some closer acquaintances through my husband (though many have very limited English), and know people through work, both foreign and Chinese (but don’t always want to hang out with people from work). But as far as making friends outside of those spheres, it’s difficult.
I know for me, the first step is to improve my Mandarin so that communication is easier. And I will continue to brush off any invitations to friendship that involve me teaching them English – I don’t work for free and I don’t want a ‘friendship’ based on them taking advantage of skills I might have (and that’s how I see it). I guess it just takes time, and hopefully, even though there are a number of false starts, a few real friends show up. Good luck to you!
Hi Kelly!
I’m not sure what it is but I agree, making friends here is quite different from in Canada. My hubby tells me not to worry about it because I have so Many family, cousins etc. But building up the relationships with them also takes time. If I’m not careful it’s pretty easy to feel lonely here so I try and stay connected with the good friends I have and stay in touch with Canada. Ok im gonna go make friends with a dentist now because I need a check up
I would like to request you to try the line “Let’s be friends and you can examine my teeth” as an experiment, please!
I’m glad others feel somewhat the same as I do here – that there is a difference in making/building relationships that we are not used to, coming from the west. I think you’re right, that time is a factor and that one just has to do their best to weed out the people just looking for a “status friendship” and try to work on those you think might develop into something. Good luck to you!
hello, I am Harrist, I think Sara she knows me, and Alexandra know about me on Weibo. hehe!! well! I need a girl now, then can I make a girlfriend but not a dentist friend? lol!!!
Well, I’m married, but good luck!
@Alexandra: Speaking of dentists, my boyfriend’s cousins in Shanghai are both dentists (for real)! Want to be friends so I can hook you up?
I’m sorry my comment is a couple days late, but I had to comment because I was nodding to everything you wrote, Kelly. It’s true a big majority of Chinese people do this networking of “friends” in order to get some sort of advantage and to benefit themselves. I see it happen on a weekly basis with my in-laws; to them, it’s a normal part of life and how you deal with “relationships”. I can’t bring myself to do the same; actually, I really dislike networking and I really don’t care if it brings me some sort of mutual benefit; I’ll do the work on my own, thanks. I want to talk with people because they have a genuine interest in me, not because I have something to offer them (I’m a giving person but I draw a line somewhere).
“I want to talk with people because they have a genuine interest in me, not because I have something to offer them.”
THIS. ONE MILLION TIMES, THIS!
In my experience there isn’t much of “real friendship” here outside of the expat community. It’s a shame but the locals here in Shenzhen always seem to be after something – and that gets tiring quickly, and I don’t and won’t teach English because it would drive me insane in about 2 days.
Apart from my wife I have exactly one mainland Chinese friend to show from 3 years here – and dozens of Hong Kong and Taiwanese Chinese friends. So it’s not a subtle racist tendency on my part, more that mainlanders just don’t seem to relate well to me and vice-versa. It’s the first time in my expat life I’ve felt isolated from the people I lived amongst. Even Nigeria was more welcoming than China.
Great post – and sorry to be so depressing about it all…
Thanks for your comment – it’s a relief to hear I’m not totally out to lunch in some of my perceptions. I love teaching, but I have absolutely no desire to do it for free as a hobby (and I’m not sure what is so difficult to understand about that, but people really don’t seem to think it’s out of line to expect me to do)!
I find it somewhat surprising that there is such a difference for you between mainlanders and Hong Kong or Taiwanese people. I don’t have much, if any, experience with people from those places, so wouldn’t have guessed.
Do you think it has anything to do with the mainland being closed to the outside for so long (that they really just don’t know how to appropriately deal with outsiders yet)? “China has a long history of expecting foreigners to do nothing but work in their chosen fields…” hehe
There’s a huge difference between non-mainland Chinese and all other ethnic Chinese, at least in my experience Singapore, Malaysia and Macau are all different too.
I think there’s something odd about life here on the mainland and it’s not genetic and it’s not cultural (because if it was Taiwan in particular would be much more similar), so I have no idea what it is…
So interesting (and weird, and frustrating!). Again, thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one…
How interesting…I think you only make real friends through shared experiences so you would be more likely to make real friends through joining a club or playing a sport or something that means people meet up with you week after week and get to know you and all the little details that take away your mystique. I can imagine it must feel very isolated.
I think you are right, in that more exposure to foreigners should hopefully take away the ‘mystique’, so it just takes time. And for my husband’s friends that is true; most of them really don’t give me a second look anymore, because they are so used to me being around that I’m not that special (which is really nice, and I don’t think they can understand how much it means to me). As I’ve said, another problem is the language barrier, and that is my own fault, so I will have to work on my Mandarin to try to break down some barriers too. I am lucky that I’m very comfortable doing things on my own (shopping, going for a walk, etc) but every once in a while it would be nice to have company.
LMAO !!
), and worst of all, teach them SWEAR WORDS or words to describe sex organs first! because that’s what westerners are all interested in!! 
I can say I completely agree! Being a foreigner growing up in western country – its THE SAME THING!
People (okay let’s be honest here, kids/classmates) all want me to TEACH THEM CHINESE/JAPANESE (because Asian all look the same right?
I would have to say, in my 20 years living here, this type of behavior carry on right up til the end of high school, then not much in University, but will happen again in workplace or any type of situation. I mean, teaching people your native tongue just mean they are curious and wants to know more about you and your culture, but I found westerners more offensive in their approach (asking me to teach them swear words because they are just going to use it on you later. If you refuse, its racial expletives throwing at you). These type of childish and offensive behaviors still happen even in my adult years.
That asides, I am sure the longer you live there, the quicker you learn to pick out this type of people and weed them out from your potential “friend” list. Its pretty common and I avoid them if I see them approach. Besides that, I have to say, those are the less offensive treatments I have experienced – I have been beaten, harrassed (sometimes on daily basis, but as I get older, this is less of a problem), people have tried to intentionally run me over with their car, throw glass bottle at me from the car, all because I am asian (I know because these types of attacks either precede or follow with racial expletives). So I would say I would love to be in your shoe!
To be treated like a superstar would be something I can only dream of! (instead of being treated with suspicion or worse, as a hated enemy even though they don’t know me, I never harm them, or even know them) And why are you even complaining?!! 
I think in all the years I have been living oversea, the only advice I can give you is to master the local language first. But that’s only the first step. Not knowing the culture or accepting it, you will still stand out like a sore thumb. And people will continue to treat you like a Laowai not because of your skin color but because you are acting like a Laowai. I see it all the time – and in most of the expat blogs people are complaining about the locals (why can’t they BE LIKE MY CULTURE) when they continue to jeer/ridicule and make fun of local culture its easy to see why they can’t be accepted. Besides, you don’t have the baggage I have, being an asian and even though I have been completely assimilated into the local culture, I am still treated negatively in most instance. I can only chalk that up to racism. And I don’t foresee that to be different for my children, or my children’s children (as is the case with most of the ABC).
Jack, I am completely aware that I am lucky to be treated as ‘special’ as a foreigner, and not looked down on or treated badly because of it. I am very sorry that you have had to experience those sorts of things.
I never thought about whether or not foreigners in the west receive the same treatment – you say you did. Did it really come in the form of “Let’s be friends and you can teach me ________ (language)”? THAT is the strangest thing of this all to me – I understand being curious, I even understand wanting to learn the language, but to propose a ‘friendship’ based on me teaching them is not a friendship at all. And it’s not one or two isolated cases – it happens again and again and again, with exactly that phrase.
I do hope that you’re right, and that over time I can weed these people out of my encounters more easily and gain a few true friends. I do need to make more of an effort to learn Mandarin so that I can communicate more freely (goodness knows I don’t want to say “Let’s be friends and you can teach me Mandarin!” haha).
“I never thought about whether or not foreigners in the west receive the same treatment – you say you did. Did it really come in the form of “Let’s be friends and you can teach me ________ (language)”?”
I am guessing you never had contact with asian back in Canada right? Never had asian in your high school? Because that’s generally what I got back in high school days – if someone is interested in me and wants to “be friend” – they ask me to teach them JAPANESE (! then they found out I am not Japanese…..) or Chinese swear words!
And I grew up in a small farming community in New Zealand (I imagine pretty much like where you grew up in Canada). The proposition is basically the same, if they are interested in me or wants to befriend me, they would approach me, Because the majority ignored me (or asian in general) very much like right now – asian are invisible or least visible group in the western media (or Hollywood). We practically don’t exist! 
. If you had asian in your high school, I will bet very very few people approach them (and we usually stay in a group – for protection, and besides we have nobody else). At work, its similar, majority keep their distance, few ‘curious’ will try to ‘befriend’ you by approaching you, and majority of these types are showboat type who just wants bragging rights to have learn a few asian swear words. I have learn fairly quickly to avoid most of them. This is one thing you learn living oversea – you learn to “read” people very quickly.
Another thing I have learned is generally, the higher educated people are, they more they are “color-blind”. I have made many close friends over the years, and they are almost all highly educated. Perhaps it stems from my high school experience too – that I made friends with the “geek” bunch because I am sort of a geek (well well!
), and geeks are the “victims” in high school so generally they are more accepting to other victims due to the similar treatment.
Generally, I approach people who I have get to know fairly well and befriend them on my own initiative. I generally do not make friend with people who approach me (99.9% of them are showboat type they simply aren’t really interested in YOU for who YOU ARE). There is a idiom in Chinese – “善者不来, 来者不善” – “those with good intentions generally don’t come (to you), those who come generally don’t come with good intention” – which generally holds true. So, just be observant, learn to read people. There are good people to make friends with, you just have to learn to spot them!
Besides, you don’t have the baggage I have, its far easier for you to make friend in China than I am to make friend in a generally hostile environment, I have to break through many barriers you couldn’t even imagine, prove myself over and over again. And there are a lot of people in China! Good decent people, I simply can’t believe you can’t find them while I can find many in my situation!
And like I mentioned before, don’t expect people to treat you like a common local if you are still acting like a Laowai. If you dont’ speak the language, or don’t speak well, you are a laowai. If you don’t know the culture, if you aren’t assimilated into it, you will act like a laowai and that’s why majority will treat you like one. When you are completely assimilated – all that “foreignness” falls away, and they see for who you are.
Another thing, I found most expats make superficial observations of the differences in local culture to their own, because the differences are obvious, they are superficial and easily observable (that’s 99.9% of the expat blogs). I remember in my early years I was the same, I observed all the differences and wished the local culture to be more like mine (why can’t they BE like us?), but as years went on and you learn, you start to look past the superficial differences, and you will start seeing the COMMONALITY we all share as human being.
So my suggestion is not to focus on the differences – because in the process you are making yourself different and resist to be fit in with the locals. Find that commonality – and they will see you are just a human being like they are. And then you will find friends who will treat you for who you are.
You are right – there were no Asian kids in my high school, nor were there any students of ANY minority (such a small town). There were (are) some Chinese people in the next town, so I was exposed, but not to a high degree. I guess maybe what I should have said was that I don’t think it would have ever crossed my mind to approach anyone with that tactic. Maybe after we had been friends for a while I might have asked if they could speak another language and teach me a bit, but I don’t think it would have ever been how I would open a conversation. It seems so bizarre to me!
I will just have to keep working on the language and in trying to find my place here as best I can.
You’re from New Zealand, right? Yeah, it’s probably not the nicest place to be if you’re not white. NZ has gained quite a reputation for its racism in recent years, and a few years ago there was a shocking case of hate crime where a Korean man was decapitated by white supremacists.
Recent year? I would say its always been like that. I remember when I first got there back in 1989, only few months in and I was attacked in broad daylight in North Shore by several men in front of a church near the center of the town. I was 13. I passed out on the street and nobody even came to help me. And there are more of these over the years (sometimes on daily basis). But I can’t say NZ is the worst – because Australia is not that much better – remember the 2005 Cronulla race riot where THOUSANDS of white locals attacked non-white residents? That was only a few short years ago! I have also heard from friends in Canada its not much different there. The racist extremism is just simmering underneath bidding its time to rear its ugly face.
Oops, you mean China has got along without genuine friendship all these thousands of years? Even skeptics like me can’t believe it lah! But this obsession with wanting to learn English from foreigners is a passing phase I believe. Everyone in China wants to learn English, and what better way to do so to than to befriend a laowai and see if you can get an exchange. But go ahead, make friends and I am sure that you won’t see a businessman underneath after some time. We Chinese, though I am not Mainland, can’t be that calculative. I am sure the Chinese people are curious about laowais on a personal and human level too. Being able to communicate in a common language of course helps alot, Otherwise a relationship can only go so far and not further. It will be like a duck talking to a chicken as Chinese are fond of saying. And with a duck and chicken, have you seen genuine friendship blossom? Oh, oh…I have not heard, let alone seen,..even a business, let alone a genuine, avian relationship!
You should thank your lucky stars for your celeb status, and try to enjoy and bask in the glory of adulation like real stars do. Few people have this chance to be the focus of adoration. So, it is not so bad a thing really. The trick is to enjoy and feel like you are a real celeb yourself, in your own right, which you are anyway to the Chinese by dint of you you are. So, better that you are treated in adoration than in contempt. I don’t mind exchanging position with you, ha ha. Really, I don’t mind. Maybe I might complain later but for now bring it on – all the adulation!
Oh, I know that Chinese have friendship – I don’t doubt that in the “long history” they’ve developed this concept – heck, they probably even invented it!
I tease, I tease!
Almost every Chinese person I have has a lot of friends – I think I am speaking in a “foreigner having local friends” role. And as I hoped to stress, it is really that I just find these proposals of friendship/business partnership strange. And it is not an isolated occurrence, it happens again and again and again. It doesn’t feel as if they are looking for friendship, but rather want the perks of knowing a foreigner (free English lessons, status, etc). That is the frustrating part – to be treated as if I’m a commodity or something. Hopefully, over time, some true friends will show through.
You are right, I do need to improve my Mandarin so that I can better communicate with people, because otherwise a friendship cannot happen. And I do realize how lucky I am that I am treated with admiration rather than derision (as Jack mentioned in his comment). Things could be much worse, and I am thankful for the opportunities I have.
Hi, for me the more annoying thing is not the “paparazzi”, the stares on the metro etc, but how hard it is to make close friends with Chinese people. I live in Shanghai and have a few local friends, but I always find that they spectacularly repress their enthusiasm after we meet. It’s always taking one step forward then three backward. I find the Chinese “rhythm” to everything is the hardest to get used to!
Yes, that’s what this post was about. I am used to the stares and the ‘helloooo-ing’, but find that friends are hard to make here. It was mainly a comment on how odd I find that people here mix up friendship and wanting something from me (to teach them English). For me, wanting to be friends with someone is not usually based so much on what they can offer to you to bump up their status – which is the feeling I get here. I know it is mostly due to me being different, but it makes me wish that I could just blend in sometimes so that I could really see if genuine connections are possible. Unfortunately, that will never happen – I’ll always be a foreigner (in appearance, etc) so I will never know that. It is certainly different here; something to try to get used to.
yes, I know the feeling. I used to live in Spain where many times people wanted to friends with me to use their English. It was a frustrating experience, plus I didn’t manage to learn Spanish that well.
However, I think here it’s not only this, and the fact, as you’re saying, the fact that we’ll always stand out, but the “rhythm” of Chinese friendships is that I struggle to understand. Even if they “use” me for my English, the way, the slow pacing of friendship making, is what baffles me and some of my foreign friends. At least in Spain they were friends I could count on!
I agree with you. I find that a lot of Chinese people I know will help me out if I need anything, but there is almost always an undercurrent of “owing” them something because of it. I don’t think that friendship should be an exchange of favours. And you’re right, it seems to take a long time to build up a relationship with anyone here (as Alex mentioned in her comment).
Even after 3 years here, I can’t say I have any real Chinese friends. I’ve had awesome Chinese colleagues that I’ve lunched with occasionally and had interesting conversations with (at work)… but they were married guys and they tend to just work or go home to their families, with no actual socializing available in other contexts. Women my age (37) seem to be about a decade or two older in their interests and approach to things and I don’t really relate to them. Even the women in their late 20s seem to be mainly interested in family stuff and aren’t really interested in befriending a foreigner who wants to talk about books, music, travel, general foreign stuff….
When I lived in Turkey, I had a huge and very diverse circle of good Turkish friends. I was invited to dinner more times than I can remember. I still have at least a dozen self declared Turkish mothers who wanted to adopt me. Here? One Chinese mother, the classroom teacher of my 2009-2010 cohort of students, who played the role of doting MaMa for 2 years when I was at work (and only at work) but who has pretty much disappeared now that I’m not there.
It’s weird living somewhere when all your friends are not from there.
I find that too – that people my age do not necessarily have the same interests. I’m nearly 31, and most women my age have been married for half a decade already and have a 5 year old! It’s tough to relate to that!
But as I said, this was mainly about how odd I find it that people here only propose friendship with the expectation that I will teach them English for free. I guess at least they put it out there in the open and are up front about it so I can turn it down right away, rather than hide it and let it come to light when we meet for lunch!?
Is there any other place in the world, or profession, that would get the same sort of proposal (“Let’s be friends and you can teach me English”)? Do these people really think that I want nothing more than to do more of what I do at work, but this time in my spare time?
I don’t actually get the ‘teach me!’ thing much, maybe because I’m in Shanghai and not small town Hebei and we laowai are a dime a dozen here! I don’t really get stared at either, which is a relief after Turkey, where all (mostly male) eyes were on me for 6 years. Here I’m pretty invisible. If I wasn’t in a long-term relationship already, I’d probably feel pretty isolated and lonely.
I did get those business-friendship proposals a lot before, especially in small town Turkey, where I spent my first few years there. The friendship offers I got were divided between people who had a business interest, a lecherous interest and a genuine interest. It was exhausting trying to sort them out because it wasn’t always apparent what was wanted in the beginning!
Really?! Lucky you. For me, almost all the proposals include me teaching them English. I was at the hospital a couple weeks ago to see a doctor and (in what was the trigger for this article), THREE separate people used the line on me – the doctor who saw me, the friend of a friend who works in the hospital and took me to see that doctor, and this friend’s friend (a doctor of a different kind of medicine). I just wanted to get rid of my sinus infection!
Another thing I forgot to mention – I think there are some differences in the etiquette and manners when you made friends with someone in Chinese culture you might not be aware of.
Let me quote you another very good blog I just recently read (another canadian blogger!) about this :
“There are certain words in the English language that, in Western culture, are fairly important for peaceful relations between people. They are “thank-you,” “sorry,” “excuse me” and other less important but equally pleasant additions like “good morning,” “good night,” “How was your day?” etc. Between lovers, the most important one is, “I love you.”
In Chinese culture, words like the first three (thank you, sorry, excuse me) are words reserved for strangers. They imply distance in their very use, a distance between the two speakers in terms of social connection. So, when I say “thank you” to his parents, for instance, for buying us a new contraption for our kitchen or for taking us out to dinner, they sweep it aside with an embarrassed gesture signaling slight impatience and say “no need for ‘thank you’—we’re family!”
http://www.emberswift.com/2012/pleasantries-peace/
I found this is particularly true – in western culture it is important you thank people VERBALLY – you voice your appreciation – even amongst close friends and family. While in East Asian culture, its about what you DO for others to show you appreciate them. I think in the western culture its more focus on the “gesture of good will” where as in eastern culture it is the more focus on the “substance” (of what you do for others).
So (and I’m not trying to be obnoxious here, but…) people here really DO think it’s acceptable to expect me to teach them English for free in my spare time as a gesture of my friendship?!?!
NO, I am suggesting you create that “distance” by being EXTRA POLITE (remember, politeness are reserved for strangers!) to REFUSE THEM!
People will get the idea. This is how Chinese culture works – you are extremely polite to the point they can’t fault you, they can’t do anything but to respect you and keep a distance from you.
OR, you could always pull out that foreigner privilege and pretend you don’t understand what they are saying (whether it is in Chinese or English!)
Just pull your shoulders up and put your hands up and wave your turn your hands in circular motion while simultaneously shake your heads. It does wonders! 
So…I should stop being so polite so I seem more approachable?!
Also, think of it this way! Its probably easier for you to teach 1000 Chinese the English than you learning the Chinese!
After that you will have a pool of 1000 ‘potential’ friends to pick from!
)
(I am kiddin’ of course!
But Jack, she whines, they all learn English in their government schools, so shouldn’t there be enough English speakers for me to have some friends?
I kid too. Besides, if I’m going to live here, then I need to make a serious attempt to learn more Mandarin. Seriously, someone kick me in the ass and get me on that. Aiya!
oh, the feeling of favors sound so familiar! One question – have you ever asked your husband about this, why so many foreigners feel this way? Is it something we utterly-bitterly misunderstand here?
I think he and I are going to have a conversation about this in the very near future. All these comments (especially some from Jack) have made me think and I would like to have my husband try to help me understand this better.
great! Looking forward to reading about it later! Thanks and I love your blog, btw!
Thanks, and thanks for your comments!
Maybe it’s because I’m in the U.S. now and far removed from my friends in China, I miss them! It took me a while to find real friends there but once I did, I had friends for life.
I have to say that when I was an English teacher in Japan I had the same problem with people wanting me to teach them English after work. It helped a lot to get out of that industry. Once I was no longer an English teacher people started to see me for what I really was.
I think you’re right – once you manage to make some good friends, I think they are incredibly loyal and close. It’s getting to that point that is difficult.
And it’s interesting to hear that you had the same sort of problem in Japan – so it’s not a Chinese thing, but an English teacher thing. Hmmmm…
I don’t know what I am writing half of the time. LOL. Its TYPO GALORE.
This comment system need an edit button!
Haha, no worries. I think most of us understand most of what you say, most of the time!
Guys, are we not getting overboard on this English thing? Have we ever considered that when a Chinese fler wants laowai to teach him English, he may actually be trying to break the ice and the English lesson gambit is a handy way to go about it? Of course, I am not saying that he would not be mighty pleased if he could get English lessons and be friends too? If this English gambit is too much to handle, then like Jack said, do a samba so to speak or just ignore. Most times the in your face approach is because of this “kiasu” (not wanting to lose out) spirit that we Malaysian Chinese often tease our Singapore counterparts of. And probably because you are still a rarity and everybody in China is trying to learn English. And it is a truism that in Chinese culture, it is not the spoken but often the done and assumed that count. We just have to adapt. The alternative is frustration. YOU DON’T CHANGE ROME OOPS CHINA IN ONE DAY, OR ANYBODY ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!
Actually the “teach me English” thing is what I have the biggest issue with. I understand trying to break the ice, but someone has to point out that expecting a person to do his or her job for free in his or her spare time is not the best way to win a person over. So I’m sticking my neck out right now and saying it, I guess! And you’re right – when this happens, I simply turn it down and walk away. I know that I can’t change China in a day (or probably ever) but it can’t hurt to get this out there.
Jack, you’re right in that racism, and racism against Asians in particular, has always existed in Australia and New Zealand. You can see evidence of this in the casual way that racist sentiments are expressed in these countries, which the people try to justify by claiming that they’re just being authentic and not trying to be “politically correct”. (In other words, their racism is a virtue!) I think the difference between these countries and the US is that the latter has gone through the experience of slavery and the subsequent emancipation, and as a result the people in the US have developed a greater appreciation for sensitivity on issues of race relations.
Also, historically, the national identities of both Australia and New Zealand have in large part been shaped by a fear of being overwhelmed by the Asian peoples that are close to these countries in the Asia-Pacific, and this is totally absurd, of course. Imagine, for example, if Indonesians had forcibly transplanted themselves into a piece of geography in the middle of Europe (i.e. by conquest and colonialism) and then proceeded to complain that they’re surrounded by Europeans. The racism we see today in Australia and New Zealand is basically a continuation of the desire to resist and repel Asians that has always existed.
In recent years, however, the racism seems to have become much worse. Non white people are now being openly abused and assaulted in public places and this sort of thing was not common one or two decades ago. News of such incidents has spread around the Asia-Pacific region and it’s for this reason that Australia and New Zealand have gained a reputation for racism in recent years. But yeah, you’re right in that racism in New Zealand is nothing new. I will say something about the Cronulla riots, though. From what I’ve read, it was actually sparked by an assault on a white lifeguard that was committed by Lebanese Australians.
And I’m rather surprised to see you mention that Canada is just as bad, because I’ve always thought that in a perfect world everybody would be Canadians. (-:
@T, on racism you are mostly correct. May I add that much of racism is tribalism. A primeval thing – fear of the unknown or less familiar. You don’t belong to my tribe. I am not comfortable with that and I don’t like you for it so I bash you up. But I just wonder, would a Chinese guy in China wallop a laowai just because because he is different? I haven’t heard much of this happening in China to foreigners. Does this speak something of the Chinese? Is there something here to be learned? Most that I have heard of is that the Chinese people are just curious about laowais and want to make friends. Yeah, maybe want to learn some English too. This is surely much much better than wanting to bash you up. And despite what many laowais complain about, including writer kjsandor here, I still have a sneaky feeling that the Chinese people who ask to be taught English don’t really care whether they actually get to learn English or not. They just want to make friends and asking to be taught English is just a handy gambit. They might even think that laowais expect this, rightly or wrongly. I don’t think that they are actually looking for free lunch in a serious sense. A cultural mis-reading, more like it. But nevertheless, it pisses off the laowais and puzzles the Chinese to boot.
@T
Very insightful, and I agree, the fear of being “overun by foreigners of non-white kind” was the fundamental issue here. I have seen “Australian shape” stickers on the cars that reads “WE ARE FULL! P*SS OFF!” on daily basis. And its not hard to see why because historically Australia instituted a “White Australia” policy to restrict/bar non-white immigrants from entering Australia (while received over millions of European refugees after WWII).
About the Cronulla Race Riot – it happened because of the underlying racial tension that had been there all along. It just bubbled up to the surface when all it required was a little spark. If the community at Cronulla had been a mature, open minded bunch, the incident at the beach would had been just an isolated incident handled by the police. But instead, a race riot happened and over 5000 white youth rampaged through the streets and viciously attacked many non-white residents. To have 5000 white youth acting completely out of control like that, they must had a even larger “support network”. It really is just the tip of the iceberg.
About racism in Canada, I have only heard about it from friends living there. Just a cursory search and I found :
http://www.torontosun.com/2011/12/03/girls-hair-set-on-fire-in-possible-racist-attack-police
http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Canada/20111210/white-supremacist-allegations-british-columbia-111210/#ixzz1g8j4ZH1L
Of course, those are probably just minority! I
@ordinary malaysian
And like I said before, I just don’t get this obsession of white people with learning foreign swear words either…
I completely agree, asking someone to teach their language is probably just an ice breaker. If I have a dime for every person who asked me to teach them Japanese/Chinese I should be a thousand dollar richer by now!
@Jack, it is about the same here in Malaysia. with one caveat. The guy teaching the language may himself teach naughty words to the other guy and hope that that gets the latter in trouble. Except done all in good fun. But really, the result can be not only embarrasing but sometimes also unfortunate.
Omigosh, as usual, you’re stirring up a controversy.
I can totally relate to this — even though I live in a bigger city with a larger international community, I’ve had a lot of trouble making friends here in China, both foreign and Chinese. The few people that I hang out with are my colleagues. Like you, I don’t always want to hang out with people I work with (even though I really like many of them!) but I feel I don’t have much of a choice. I think it’s partly my fault — I don’t get out as much as I should, plus my Mandarin skills are atrocious. But, I do think people here are more focused on family connections or their professional lives and less so on their social lives. Either that, or I’m just a really atrocious person and nobody wants to be my friend.
That being said, I used to teach ESL to adult students in the States and they would complain about the same thing. They said American people were very outwardly friendly, but it took a really long time to actually make American friends.
As usual?? Really? I didn’t think I was often the center of controversy (heck, most of the time very few people comment on my posts)!
Anyway, I do realize I need to get out more and need to improve my Mandarin. And I don’t think that Chinese people are inherently against making friends – on the contrary, most of them are very friendly.
The focus of this was meant to be on the weird combining of “let’s be friends” and “you should give me English lessons”. To be honest, strangers rarely approach me with anything OTHER than this greeting. And as I’ve said before, I’m just truly baffled as to why they think I want to do my job in my spare time, for free, for them.
Pingback: East Asia Blog Round-Up : 18/3/2012 | Eye on East Asia
I totally understand. I’ve been in small town Hebei for almost two years. It takes such a long time to make real friends. Though thankfully I have many now. These days when people say lets be friends so you can teach me English. I just roll my eyes and shake my head. Haha.
It does take a long time to build relationships, it seems. I’m lucky to know some great people through my husband.
So.. Anyone tried going up to some random Chinese person off the street and asking if he/she would be willing to teach you Chinese?
By the way I’m of Chinese descent-somewhat, I’ve spent the past year here and I’ve had a horrid time. The locals seem so keen on learning English to further their careers rather than introducing me to what potentially could be an intriguing culture. I’ve got to admit my reception as a foreigner, sorry, “laowai,” here has been far from welcoming… To be fair, it could just be a city-life thing.. Some crazy neo nazi used insect spray on me hoping I’d die in the middle of Marinplatz, Munich. Though my overall experiance in Germany was far better. As xenophobic as people were, at least they were honest about it. Here, at least in my experience, people always seem to carry around some kind of hidden agenda for their own personal gain (It rubs off on expats). Furthermore, I can’t help but feel xenophobia oozing from people’s being even though they aren’t apparent about it, although I hear evidence of this from time to time (I understand mandarin, people just can’t tell). My chinese teachers tell me im full of shit, though they report everything deemed “controversial” or “radical” that comes out of my mouth to the university’s director. All this regardless of the fact that we share the same skin color-ish and our countries are equally looked down upon by western media!
I have to admit, your lucky being a caucasian in China, you could get away with ALOT. People are so entraced by Caucasians here, an old fat white guy is Brad Pitt in China. I’ve heard stories circulating around students of Caucasian drug dealers simply getting deported! Which is a slap on the wrist compared to what they’d do to anyone else!
Anyway race aside, my verdict is- Lame. Though I have no experiance with any city under a population size of 10 million.
I’m under obligation to remain here… Wish I had the opportunity to travel around more, its an amazing country with beautiful traditions and an amazing landscape. But god, unless you can deal well with superficiality and transaction based friendships- where your always at a disadvantage “HErrOOO” and “Can we be friends” just ruins it all. I was lucky enough to find two friends, their English is horrible, unfortunately they moved… You should adopt a dog from a dog meat market, dogs make better friends than people 9/10. Feel free to criticize my thoughts on this matter.. I don’t mind, ive been thinking this whole time that I must be doing something wrong to be so miserable.
I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time of it here in China. I’m sure you’re right; that in some ways, I am lucky to be Caucasian, as it affords me some “special treatment” (the unfortunate side effect of which is that some white expats here start to believe they are entitled to special treatment and behave like jerks). Yet I will also say that there are times when I wish I didn’t visibly stand out, so that I could go about my daily routines (grocery shopping, working out, etc.) without everyone noticing and following and feeling it necessary to comment on what “foreigners” do) – and I don’t think I’m alone in this.
You are right that it may have something to do with big city people versus smaller towns. I’ve found that people here are friendly and for the most part are genuinely curious about me – it’s just that it’s difficult to develop deeper, meaningful friendships sometimes. When I travel to Beijing, I am able to walk around without people paying attention to me and it’s a strange relief!
I also think that even between Chinese people, friendship sort of carries an element of helping/owing each other, whereas we have probably been raised with the idea that friends do things for each other but don’t “keep score”.
I hope you can have the opportunity to travel a bit, experience more of China, and maybe even connect with some Chinese friends.
Hey, thank you for your kind reply. Learning the language is a definite plus, i found that people operating in the service industry tend to be easy people to befriend. Try different Chinese tutors, it would be good if you find one who is open to receiving and expressing culture, eventually the tutoring aspect may just disappear and you may end up with a proper mate. I had made a good friendship with a woman who worked in concierge at my complex, after learning to speak enough Chinese, we all managed to joke around and eat out on a regular basis and occasionally travel together. Your absolutely spot on about that whole score chart, it’s a very accurate analogy, lots of people seem to think that way. Though stick to the idea that “friends don’t keep score” it’s a good one to keep, eventually you’ll meet someone ŵho thinks likewise and it will be a pleasant surprise. I hope that things work out better for you. I suppose it all takes time to settle into any new environment, for some, a lot longer than others.
You’re very welcome. What I really need to do is stop being so lazy and work at learning Chinese so I can communicate more! Though I am lucky to have some friends through work and through my husband (who would probably be pretty disappointed if I started looking for a “proper mate” by the way!
). I’ve been here for over three years, and I think the biggest issue is the different expectations about friendships between our cultures. Being expected to have something to offer a “friend” means that I back off pretty quickly because I don’t think that’s how it should be, and I don’t think any amount of time here is going to change that.
I just realize my post from before paints a mostly negative picture, of this I’m truely sorry, I was relieved to see your post and couldn’t help myself to a morning rant.
No worries. We all need a good rant every now and then!