My husband often remarks that I am a good wife, which is a lovely, yet at times baffling, compliment. You see, he tends to give it after I’ve done something which I consider to be a simple, common duty around the house. It’s made me wonder why he thinks this way.
The "awesome wife" giving her husband a massage.
The conclusion I have come to is that (and I say this in the most humble way possible), I am more awesome than a Chinese wife.
That’s right, I said it. Now I know, people will write and say, “Oh, my wife is Chinese and she is really good and blah blah blah,” and it’s true – your wife is good. I’m making a sweeping generalization for effect here, people. There are plenty of lovely wives out there of all nationalities. What I’m saying is that there are several Chinese wives who could use some improvement (wink wink!).
But it’s not their fault! Trust me. They are only doing what they know, so how can they be expected to be as awesome as me when they don’t know how? Here’s what I mean.
As children, Chinese boys and girls have one job and one job only in their house – study. The education system here is rigorous and the competition for the best schools is unbelievably high. Children here not only attend the state-run schools, but also extra classes to help boost their scores in key areas such as English and Math. They head to school around 7:30 in the morning (and these are the lucky ones who are not boarded at their schools) and it is not uncommon for me to see students heading home as late at 9 or 10 o’clock at night. Most students have at least some sort of lesson each day of the week. Even the smallest primary school students carry backpacks laden with books and homework. At the end of high school, students write a nation-wide, standardized exam known as the gao kao. Their score on this exam, and this exam only, determines which universities, if any, they may apply to (that’s right, not “attend” but simply “apply to” – they still have to wait to find out if they will be accepted by any). It’s a lot of pressure. It’s tough to be a student here.
Primary school students doing their mandatory dancing at their morning break in their "playground". Don't know if this would fly by western standards.
Me, on the other hand, I went to school from 8:40 to 3:15, Monday to Friday. I had some homework each night, but not hours and hours of it. I had final exams, but not the kind my entire future rode on.
We're talking about kids who play with cabbage, people!
As you can imagine, all these classes and all this studying and homework leaves little time for much else. Organized sports teams or other extra-curricular activities don’t exist in my city, to the best of my knowledge. When I bring up the topics of chores or an allowance with my husband or in my classes, I am often met with blank looks. And a high school student with a part-time job? Don’t even dream of it.
And me? I took figure skating lessons, was in 4H for a year, tried a year of curling, played on my school’s volleyball team, took part in the drama productions and ran track and field (I will admit that I attended a very small school – we didn’t have tryouts for anything!). I didn’t have a job, but I helped out my parents on the farm, especially during seeding and harvest time.
Once children have run this gauntlet of education and have, hopefully, been accepted into university, they have slightly more free time (I’ve heard that many consider the studies in university to be much easier than those in high school). They finally have some time to be themselves, although because they have been too busy studying for the previous decade or so, they must figure out who that is. I also believe that for many, as sad as it sounds, this is finally a time when they can have a childhood, which is why I see so many young 20-something girls playing with stuffed animals and acting like 12 year olds.
I mean, who needs a stuffed bear as large as they are? But I see young couples carrying them around ALL.THE.TIME.
This is an all-too-short period in life, however, because once a young person turns 23 or 24, they are to be married. This belief that a person in their mid to late 20s is becoming undesirable for marriage leads to a huge push from families to marry off their children to the best match, which also leads to many very young newlywed couples.
What about me? I started post-secondary education right after high school and attended for five years, receiving my degrees. My parents never pushed me to get married until I was ready and had found someone suitable (which, I guess, is why I was 30 when I finally married). I moved away from my parent’s house to attend university and, except for brief stints during summers, I haven’t lived there since. I’ve traveled a bit and lived on my own. I’ve had to do my own grocery shopping, arrange my own car insurance, and have worked several different jobs. And I haven’t had a stuffed animal for at least a decade and a half.
Now remember, these young people may never have been asked to help around the house growing up. They may likely have lived at home with their parents throughout university too. And now, suddenly, they are married and have to take on the role of a wife (or husband). What experience do they have to draw on? None.
Is it any wonder, then, that many young couples live with one set of parents after they are married? It is nearly a necessity, since neither of them might have any idea how to take care of a household (I personally know several girls in their mid-20s who cannot cook at all and have never had to. I also know of at least one couple where the wife’s mother controls their money – she takes both their monthly salaries and doles out money to each of them for their costs).
Considering all this, now I have some idea of why my husband seems so surprised when I complete mundane tasks around the house. What are some of these tasks I do that are simply astonishing to him, you ask?
You can cook? You're such a great wife!
Cooking dinner, baking a cake, washing the dishes without being asked, sweeping and mopping the floor, using a wrench to change the head in our shower, and most recently, buying and changing a burnt out light bulb.
Yeah, I’m awesome!
This is a very interesting observation. Awesome post
Thanks!
I’m curious, is there a well-established culture of cheerleading in Canadian high schools, like in American high schools?
Anyway, the thing about Chinese women in their 20s playing with stuffed animals is that it has nothing to do with a desire to recapture lost childhoods. It’s just part of a pop culture that prizes youthfulness – the embodiment kawaii. This behavioural trait originated in Japan and is common throughout East Asia, but it’s only just taken hold in China in recent years as the country has developed economically and become more receptive to foreign influences.
And you are pretty badass for being able to change a showerhead. I know I can’t. (-:
I’m not sure about cheerleading in Canadian high schools – I would suppose that larger city schools have squads. I don’t think it’s quite up to the same level as in America, with competitions and all that, but I could be wrong. Remember, I grew up in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere – I played ON the sports teams, IF we were lucky enough to have enough girls to fill the roster!!
Thanks for your input about the stuffed bear thing. You are probably right; yet I still don’t understand it at all. Why a grown woman feels the need to carry around a toy and act like a tween, I can’t get (but that it my upbringing/culture talking).
Ha, yeah, that’s me – total badass for being able to unscrew one old showerhead and re-attach the new one!
Well, the cute and seemingly infantile act is just a fashionable thing to do, or be. There’s nothing logical about it because ultimately it comes down to a matter of personal preference that just happens to be widely shared by women across East Asia (and, to some extent, Western countries) as a result of Japanese cultural influence. It’s big business, too, as entire industries have been created to satisfy the demand for kawaii, and Hello Kitty is probably the most recognisable image associated with these industries. They even make Hello Kitty jewellery:
http://shop.sanrio.com/hello-kitty-pave-diamond-pendant-w–enamel-crown-/39440-201103,default,pd.html
I get brownie points with the FMIL about being able to cook. She comes over to cook for us sometimes, because I assume she wants to, I don’t stop her- but any attempt to help her clean up afterwords is not received very well! Anyways-Yay to being domestically trained!
Hahaha! Yes, kudos to us for being able to take care of ourselves.
It just surprises me how he marvels over me doing the simplest of things around the house – things I consider to be no-brainers. And especially considering that with my horrible Chinese I can’t do much in the way of calling repairmen, etc., I feel I should contribute when I can — yet he seems so shocked every time.
OMG KELLY, YOU ARE INDEED AN AWESOME WIFE!
Seriously, I live in Australia and girls here don’t know how to change lightbulbs either! They don’t do dishes, much less cooking besides cheese on toasts! (Let’s order pizza!) Changing a showerhead? FORGET ABOUT IT !!
Now my question is, where can I find a wife like you?
Hahaha, well thanks (even though I really don’t think any of it is a big deal – I just do what needs to be done if I can do it)!
Lucky you – I met my Taiwanese hubby in NZ where we both grew up from the age of 12 onwards, where we both had part-time jobs as teenagers and both were required to help around the house. Problem: his mother is basically Superwoman and I don’t particularly enjoy housework. It gets done but I’m no Martha Stewart. As a result I’ve spent the better part of our marriage being compared to Superwoman (who is a wonderful warm person whom I adore) and coming up short (of course, she’s got 30 years of experience on me). If only I would be considered an awesome wife for cooking a meal. Sounds like bliss!
Hahaha! Trust me, I’m no Martha Stewart either and I truly hate housework but know it needs to be done. His mom is a very good housewife as well (she’s one of those ladies who never sits still – always something to do) even though she is also a doctor! Luckily he doesn’t often compare me to her; maybe it has to do with the fact that he hasn’t lived at home with his parents since high school. Anyway, I realize how lucky I am that he is this sweet and enthusiastic about it – it just often strikes me as funny that he notices the smallest things!!
Oh Kath, I feel ya, my mom is the same. I think its largely due to to the older generation (baby boomers) growing up with nothing (Asia after WWII) and was expected to do everything themselves. My mom used to drill me with “how she never had all the luxuries we have now, she only had rice and soy sauce for lunch, and if she was really lucky she would have an egg! AN EGG! And she would be the envy of the class because many kids of her generation don’t have lunch, or how she had to work in the fields for hours and sew and cook for her 12 younger brothers and sisters when she was 5… YEH RIGHT MOM!).
The thing is, those are tasks that in China, women are still expected to do…I’m not implying that you do them because it’s what wives are supposed to do – I’m sure you do them because you want to be a good spouse and partner and not because you’re the “wife”. But.
What would be even more impressive would be if *he* did those things. Which maybe he does. I don’t know your husband. My (American) husband (I’m also American FWIW) does. We live in Taiwan, though, and while Taiwanese men are, in my experience, somewhat more forward thinking than Chinese men, many of my Taiwanese female friends complain that their husbands just don’t help around the house – because it either doesn’t occur to them or because they figure it’s not their job because they’re not a wife or mother.
Again, I’m not saying this as anything personal to you – I don’t know you or your husband. I mean generally speaking, I’ve found it to be a problem.
Oh, those good ol’ gender expectations! Haha!! I am actually very lucky in that my husband helps me out around the house too – he cooks, cleans, does laundry as needed plus he takes care of arranging repairmen and paying for things like internet, cooking gas, etc., because my Chinese is so very bad. There are a lot of times when I feel like I don’t contribute as much as he does (so perhaps he’s going overboard on the compliments to try to subtly encourage me to do more?!
).
From what I’ve heard from couples we know here, it almost seems to be one extreme or the other – either the man does very little and expects the wife to do all the housework, or the woman is a “tiger wife” and the husband obediently does everything. My husband and I had a couple of serious chats before we got married about expectations regarding that – my point was that we both work full time jobs (though with quite different hours) and that I thought it would be fair for both of us to take on the household tasks when they need doing and share the work. Luckily, he has no issue with that.
I think my view is also tainted because many of the couples I know live with one set of parents, or one of their mothers is always around to take care of them (and the baby they are expected to have as soon as they get married) and does this work. So even though it is “women’s work” it often falls to one of their mothers to do, and she does it quite happily. I have little doubt that if my husband’s mother lived with us or nearby, that she would be here and doing many of these things for us (I’m not exactly sure how I would feel about it either).
I agree with you though – there are certainly some varying ideas about roles in marriage here (sometimes it depends on where in China the people are from as well as their family upbringing).
Hmm, I love this, and I get comments like this about a range of things including my mothering (I put coats on the kids in winter, “you’re a good mother”). At the same time, I myself am constantly amazed at my husband’s domestic abilities, but I attribute this entirely to his having grown up in a dysfunctional Chinese family where he had to raise himself.-Jenny (beijingmom.blogspot.com)
Thanks! I am very lucky that my husband chips in as much, if not more than me, around the house!! I attribute some of that to the fact that he lived away from home throughout university and then once he started his job here, so has had to live on his own and take care of himself as well. I appreciate that he notices the little things though, since I also always try to thank him for doing things as well (maybe he thinks I’m just as strange!
).
I have been wondering about the whole huge teddy bear phenomenon here in China. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people lugging around those big bears… usually wrapped in plastic (as one would hate one’s large bear to be exposed to the elements) and usually while on the bus (like “Ho hum, just taking the bus into the city, thought I might as well bring along a friend — a big huge teddy bear friend, that is.”) I just can’t figure it out. At all. I got pretty used to all the cutie cute stuff in Japan, but they don’t do the big bears there. I believe this is a uniquely Chinese phenomenon. Possibly dating back to the Ming Dynasty.
Oh, and I totally had to do chores while growing up and my mom always used to tell me that I’d thank her when I grew up and knew how to clean a toilet properly. I can’t say I’ve ever felt like thanking her for that… but now that I know my toilet-cleaning abilities might help me land a Chinese hubby, I might just change my thinking!
I’ve sometimes thought that the girls carrying their same-size stuffed companions should have to pay bus fare for them, since they DO take up an extra seat. I’m sure if I dug deep enough, there would be some ancient Chinese explanation for it.
My mom used to insist I’d thank her for teaching me all sorts of things, and always seemed to rub it in when I worked a summer job that utilized one of these “skills” – she made me haul buckets of water out to her flower beds (we lived on a farm, no sprinkler system for us!) and I hated it, so when I worked in a greenhouse, she never let me live it down. The toilet cleaning became useful when I worked in hotel housekeeping. What I never fail to remind HER of now though, is that thanks to all that, I now only clean my house when absolutely necessary, and I don’t have a single plant around this place!
Now I am curious as hell to this giant teddy bear phenomenon. Could I ask you ladies post some pics on this?
Now I am considering buying a bear suit and suit myself up and go to China and see if I get pick up by Chinese women…. (or maybe I will get shot first and then get my bile juice drained…)
Even if the dressing up and being bought worked, do you think they would keep you after they discovered their innocent little teddy bear was getting a bit “grabby”??
I enjoy reading your blog. I’m actually surprised to see my girl friend cooking (and cook well!) after being apart for a year. We went to the same pretty decent university in BJ and both grew up in a way exactly as you described. The thing is, after we graduate from college and go on to work in a city far from home, the living pressure will push us to do what we should have done but just never have the chance to do. That shift is so quick and sharp that many of us are not fully prepared. We should pay more attention to this “gap”.
Thanks, and I’m glad you two are having the chance to live on your own and develop some of these skills.
I think that’s a big issue here – that many young people never really live on their own. Young people in foreign countries often go through this period after high school, during university or just after that (like you are) so they have some idea of what it is like when they finally meet someone and talk about marriage and living together. It’s a shift that can be difficult for anyone to adjust to (foreign or Chinese) – but I think it is important for it to happen. Here in this city, though, it doesn’t seem to happen often, since a lot of young people seem to stay here for university and jobs. I am hoping it will slowly change for them. 
By the way, wow – apart for a year! How difficult for your relationship!!
Hmm I don’t know about the stereotypes of Chinese kids not doing any houseworks besides study, I mean, considering those HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS MIGRANT WORKERS who had little education and have to leave home in their teens to support their family from the countryside – who have to be completely rely on themselves living in the city, besides joggling part-time jobs, still have to do all the chores since they are living by themselves.
To me, I think this is probably a more “city slicker” vs “country bumpkin” thing than a Chinese thing
… where people from countryside (such as yourself) tends to be more proactive and self-reliant than the city folks. This is largely due to unavaliablity of help around – I used to live on countryside too when growing up in NZ…so I learned to rely on myself – got jobs picking strawberries and raspberries, delivered papers, worked as tour guide, worked as painter and stage hand, and most of time work as freelance (or FREE) computer repairman for all my friends and classmates! That being said, I spent my early childhood living in city where I didn’t have to do a thing besides studying and vaccuming the house and occassional dishes! (Yeh, my mum was unconventional, she made me do chores! Also I never went to those cram school either! Good time good time… 
Now, you might think I am generalizing, but I am not! There was a survey in one of the local Australian newspaper just few months ago (http://www.news.com.au/national/generation-y-women-losing-female-skills-such-as-cooking-ironing-and-sewing/story-e6frfkvr-1225996810578), where it was revealed a shocking 51% of women aged under 30 can cook a roast compared with 82% of baby boomers. Or Baking Lamingtons (consider an iconic Australian cake) with only 20% of Gen Y capable of whipping up the Aussie classic, down from 45% for previous generations. And Only 23% can grow a plant from a cutting when 78% of older women say this is a breeze. Yeh its shocking, but as every country went through industrialization (and hence urbanization – where countryside losing people to the city – urban migration or urbanization), this will happen everywhere. Society in general is evolving – we “outsource” what used to be consider chores to various entities because of the convenience. Such as bakery (don’t know how to bake a cake?), dishwashers (don’t want to wash dishes?), supermarket TV dinner (don’t know how to cook a spit roast?), or “rent-a-hubby” (AKA repairman – don’t know how to change a lightbulb or a door knob?)..etc etc. I am guessing this is especially true in China’s affluent middleclass (city folks) because food stalls are so cheap so you just don’t have to cook anymore (I am generalizing here..but if you consider how expensive to eat out in western countries where a meal cost a minimum of $10 USD so families often only eat out once a week compare to in Asia where a meal is around $2 USD from road side food stalls where one can be seen every 5 steps away).
Its the classic cost of convenience vs DIY – I will bet you hundred to one that your mother-in-law is a great cook and know how to do all the traditional Chinese dishes while current Y-generation of Chinese women living in the city probably don’t know how to cook a bowl of dumplings (consider the simplest dish in Chinese cuisine) without reading the label let alone making them from scratch, when you can buy a big bag of frozen dumplings for the cheap from local convenience store. So why take hours to do it if you can just buy it? Its all about convenience. I was forced to fix my own computer (and later my friend’s and my classmates) because the only computer technician was 100 km away and charged an arm and a leg (at the time) to fix them. I am sure its probably the same for you (if you really live in a very small and remote town) and you probably know how to fix a tractor because a mechanic was probably hundreds of miles away and charged an arm and a leg plus a liver
.
There is probably one thing I found its different in western society in general than in Asia, that is for the men to know how to fix a car!
This is especially true in Asia because :
1. Cars is not a culture in Asia due to low level of industrial development, where China was largely a bicycle country only a short 15 years ago).
2. Due to extremely rapid urbanization and lack of space – people do not get to have garage in their house, as matter of fact, majority living in city now do not live in a house at all because they mostly live in an apartment. So no space to tinker stuff with, unlike in western society where almost everyone living in a house have a garage, and boys/men trade knowledge (bragging rights) about how to fix various motor vehicles.
If you don’t believe me, ask your husband what a carburetor is
As a matter of fact, I will even say he probably doesn’t know how to change a tire either! 
You can quote me on that one! (And here is a chance to really show him you are a superwoman by changing a car tire!)
Thanks for all your thoughts, Jack. I do agree that it has some to do with convenience and growing affluence as well – I certainly am not nearly as capable around the house as my mother. I just find that people (men and women) here are unfamiliar with some very little things around the house, and it surprises me every time because I find them just so simple. One should not need to call a repairman to change a lightbulb or even to replace your old, blocked showerhead with a new one (when all it takes is to unscrew the old and put on the new).
And you’re right, my experiences are not with those in a migrant worker situation. I know there are many people who move to other cities to work and must fend for themselves – yet I wonder how many of them develop some of these skills? They may not live in a complete apartment (maybe just a dorm, with no kitchen) so may not learn to cook or take care of much of a house, they may still call repairmen if something breaks.
But you are right – we are both doing a bit of generalizing.
I agree with you about the car culture – my father and my brother are both big into cars and were always out tinkering on something or other – but as you said, western countries have more car culture and the space to do it. Another factor in this, I’ve been told, is that it is actually illegal for anyone other than a mechanic’s shop to do any work on a car here. I’m not sure the details exactly, but my husband says that people here wouldn’t be allowed to change the oil in their own car, even if they had the space (or knowledge) to do it.
BTW, what’s with the cabbage kid again….I don’t know what she did to you besides playing with that cabbage in class but she seems to have piss you off in a big way to warrant her second appearance in your blog!
GIVE THAT CABBAGE KID A BREAK ! I feel sorry for her now…… 
I have no problem with her at all – I actually think she’s one of my cutest little students and it was just so weird and strange and funny! She’s from a pretty well-off family and had come to class many other days with fancy little toys, so it really made me chuckle when she brought the cabbage one day.
I thought the post was supposed to be how to be a better wife, but it turns out to be an insightful explanation (excepting the migrant group and the Chinese country side population perhaps) as to why the Chinese wife has no clue as to her household chores or any skills for them. No wonder the ‘mundane’ household things you say you do tend to elicit admiration from your husband. Interesting read. That said, it is my observation that gender role expectation here in Malaysia is still very much alive, especially among the Malaysian Chinese couples. The men still expect their wives to do the household chores like cooking, cleaning, ironing and washing and going to the market — even if both are holding down full time jobs. This, I think, is largely because Chinese kids have been told that such chores are for the girls. Among the Malay couples, I note that there is more sharing of household chores and many a Malay man can cook well — again largely, I think, because of their upbringing.
There are always exceptions, and I hope that soon I start to notice the exceptions grow. I do think times are changing a little, but as we all know, change happens slowly here. I definitely don’t think young people are incapable, I just think they aren’t provided with the opportunities to learn these things since independence is underrated here and is somehow equated with being un-filial. As I said, I hope it changes – I think it will do them some good.
You are right…That\’s the way how most of us grow up…I meant Chinese women…I remember one of my high school classmate who did nothing but study at home in our high school years. I think it was the third of our high school year, her mother went to Shanghai to meet her dad who work outside China for about a year. Her mother actually cooked a big bowl of meat balls and left in the refrigerator before she went to Shanghai. (We were living in GuiLin then) The amount was enough for my classmate to last a week. Sometime I went to her house and help her cook noodle…After she finish university, she marry an Taiwaness husband who also didn\’t know how to cook. Couple years ago, they came to visited me in the USA. Her husband volunteer to cook in my house. He said that he had became a very good chief since my friend never learned how to cook even after they get marry
Thanks for your comment! It is interesting to hear from a Chinese women’s view on this – I can watch and listen and make guesses about how it seems many are raised here, but the truth is that I can’t know for sure. But you have confirmed that at least some young women (and men!) in China do grow up this way (I’m sure there are also many who learn some household skills).
Do you think this will change in the future? Do you think that more Chinese families will start to see that there are other kinds of things to learn besides school subjects, and that it is important to learn some of these things too?
I’m glad to hear that you can cook – I’m sure it’s delicious!!
I love to cook and in fact I started to cook when I was six years old. That’s what my mother said
and I love to show off my skills when I have guests in house. My Chinese said they would marry me if I am a man 
because I often cook additional for them to bring back home. I guess I am the odd one.
I do believe there are more chinese families start to learn there are a lot more than just the school study. However, there are only one child in most families, which means four grandparents, two parents rise one child. Many children are spoiled while the hope from six adults are all carry on one shoulder. They may feel they have no choice but study, study and study to make his or family proud…
I think you may be right about the family pressure to study. Even if they think learning these other skills is important, there may not be enough time in the day for young kids to actually learn them.
…I love your first photo. You two look great together
Thanks! One of our wedding photos – we love them!!